Interiors

2009-12-05T19:31:00.000-08:00

i've had dreams of you. some have been in my sleep before. a sort of ache. my heart. a castle crept through with anger and speed. this cost way too much. but the journey was made just for this place. it's beauty soothing an irritation. so many car trips. so much walking. and so it makes sense that it should reappear in a dream. have you read this? do you know it's you? what do i do if you and i should continue to walk in my dreams? why are you showing up? and what do i make of it? why do i weep? when i did so hard so long ago from a pain i had never felt so intense? i must sleep without your walking around and driving. please.

searching

2009-05-26T19:40:00.000-07:00

my comp is fixed. which may be bad. i don't need to be on here anymore than usual. but i can be on here whenever. and do whatever. so. maybe. whatever.

i feel the aftermath of leaving is wearing off. it seems when i am hurt by others from the church it takes tole and time. seems to knock the wind out of me causing me some downtime that has sway on my relationship with my Creator. which stinks. and also means that its influence doesn't release until i take note. i am hungry for that real relationship with God through people who love without agenda or condition. people who search Him out earnestly and honestly. without putting Him into an equation or box. i have those people now. and i think i will embrace them more now that i have taken note of the tripping. time to move on.

tomorrow i try on wedding dresses. i have never tried on a wedding dress. but this is the right time. the right person. i love this person, i know. and there is no hiding. he is it. the one i said to be careful of exposing. he is mine. in a matter of months. how crazy is that?

2009-05-24T16:49:00.001-07:00

today doesn't seem to offer much for writing. last night was really good sitting with family and talking. i LOVE hearing honest thoughts about some one's relationship with God-with Him through scripture especially. i just hate that feeling of we HAVE to read the Bible because we suck if we don't. how about hearing it's another way of getting closer to His heart beat, His story, our story, and so much more. but i think a lot of that pressure comes from myself. i just need to be quiet for a few minutes and let those thoughts be stopped by His tenderness. my favorite thing to do is sit with good coffee and my Bible and my journal and just spend time. with Him. the Author.

one of the larger reasons for leaving was because my other major relationship wasn't celebrated and was almost rejected. only a few said congrats or good job. hm. why is that? my heart aches for people who may miss out on the joy that i experience every day. God is my Captain. He directs this ship and so directs my love life. and to think i could have missed out on this because of a preference. on me banking on people instead of Christ. where else would something so amazing and wonderful and joyous come from? when everything is good, does that come from me? i don't hesitate to say no. only Him. so why is that so bad?

break

2009-05-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

the next several days are mine to exhaust and be free. so i am going to try to write every day and see if i can wake up again.

yesterday was everything-frustrating, great, full, yet empty, and emotional. i am to the breaking point with my job. it's one of those things where i should stay to even out the ratio of good versus evil-and i mean that in every way. or i should leave because i am thinking i am worn down and tired. there are people i work with who shouldn't be working with kids. and no one seems to think much of it, and i've tried to communicate it, no one listens. makes me think i want to be the boss. ha.

just seem to be at a place of limbo. No church. which sucks-i never thought i would be here. and i didn't expect this from people. maybe it's just all my fault. maybe everything was just a stage and we were playing our parts. i want to think more and better of people. no one has called or texted or written. i am sure the questions have been asked to others. where are they? what's going on? are they coming back? is it because she has a boyfriend? are they planning on getting married? ask me, please. i dare you.

love

2009-03-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

there are days when I wake up thinking there is nothing special about this day. what could i possibly make of it? i am instantly unimpressed. and i think it's because i am thinking of myself and how i could change it. yes, i have a part. but i am not looking to God to make the day. i am frustrated because i am looking to others and myself, how we have failed. knowing there will be more failures in the day to come. i have been doing this a lot lately. but today i see love for the first time in a long time. i have been given a gift, a direct shot to love someone i actually am enthralled with. and i have been given roommates to practice on. so why don't I?? because i judge. i hold on to the sins of others, hold it against them. i see them stifling life, freedom, and love. i do what they do. love is a choice. i know this. but not well enough.

i need to stop judging.

i need to love.

why?

because that, I think, is what real freedom is.

our enemy doesn't win when we choose to love.

our Creator is loved when we love, glorified, brought in to the faces and lives and hearts of others.

listen to switchfoot often.

2009-03-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

Life has been somewhat like a movie. I feel somewhat out of control. Like I don't like all of my life and it's in my control, but I still wait for it to be fixed. But I am waiting on me and I pretend like the waiting is for someone or something else. Or like I don't know what the fixing would look like. I like comfort too much. These are times when comfort is not the best option but I try so hard to have it. I should just let go and let God work in the midst of hardship. Embrace grace and forgiveness. They are beautiful. I should act like the grown-up I know know is in me somewhere.

I want the ocean. The smell of it. The sound.

I want a good concert.

I want to see a really good painting, not one that is simply famous.

I want Jesus.

I want His warmth.

I want His beauty.

To be His.

2008-12-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

This time is sweet with bits of frustration. If the frustration outweighed the sweet then this wouldn't be worth going through. I trust that this is a fire of refinement and even beauty. It's good to see character strengths, to see just how good I have it. Even when things are frustrating my heart is still melting. I am feeling spoiled. But I don't think God spoils us, just loves us better than anyone ever could.

Be careful

2008-11-18T12:30:00.000-08:00

I think I should be more careful with my open confessions. . . hence some editing on here.

I can't stress enough how much I do NOT like cats but how much I love my roommate.

Good conversation is SO priceless-I need more of it in life. I need to be more intentional about it but not just talk for the sake of filling silence.

I miss art. Leaves. The sun. Warmth. Going for walks. Flip flops. Dogs.

PETA contacted me about looking into some neglected animals, but it was in Marion, Iowa not Marion county. I wanted to go. A lot of times I don't think I am much greater than an animal.

2008-11-11T15:42:00.000-08:00

I fear writing has lost some of its place in my life, which can be scary. But I don't know what to write.

Letting Mom in on the secret was the best idea yet.

Am not a fan of cats.

Have no energy. Need to eat better and really look into that ballet class.

Thoughts are captivated.
Which I think is ok because I think this person is good.

new

2008-08-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

Being sick for the last FIVE freaking days has proven to be quite the trial. I think it's always a trial to be sick, but I haven't been sick to this degree for a while. I wasn't even able to read my Bible because it made me nauseous. Moving around too much even made me sick. Thankfully I had a break from it all to go to church on Sunday and out with friends-which I'm wondering if it all made me more ill. And I learned moving around made me sick when I went to rent some movies. It's been humbling-to be so low and weak, but to also have everyone know about it! Yes, I threw up a lot this weekend and more.

And I am most certain TV is a thing of my past. It's funny how a sabbatical from it can open your eyes to the absolute sickness of what's being made for MILLIONS of people to sit mindlessly(or so we think) in front of a plastic box and drink in. I've had my fill for the year.

I'm loving this time of being in recovery and healing. I ate mashed potatoes this evening and they were THE best meal of my life! Then I found some strawberries. MMmmm. Honestly, being sick has given me a renewal. I have such a huge need for my Father that was there before but now I just want to reach out to Him. There's this sort of zest I have now. I want God and fresh fruit and fresh air and life. What I want right now is something that will last, something solid and honest. Warmth. Strong but gentle arms embracing me. Goodness. A deep and meaningful conversation. Connection. Not just a pretend sentence composed of cliche phrases and aught-to-says.

too thin

2008-06-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

feeling stretched too thin. maybe i get a six month itch when things have changed in life. really, i don't think that's true. i LOVE people. sometimes i wonder if i project that being an introvert. anyway, i am not a million people person. i don't want even 100 numbers in my phone, i don't want 500 texts a month and i don't want to be out doing things every day of the week-i think there was a time when i wanted that and thought it was something to be gained and trophied. my insides can't take being invested that way. i want to really know someone, not get them mixed up with someone else's story, know their last name and how to spell it!

need some alone days. they are few and far between.

need to be thankful for the multiple blessings i am given every day.

need to trust that this is how i'm made, that it's ok to be a fewer people person. i want to really be in relationships and i think He wants that-not a million shallow relationships.

need to be on my knees asking for those people i can really connect with and really connect with those already in my life.

yay for direction and specific needs in life that i can connect with my Father over.

Feeling crazy

2008-06-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

What to do with what's in my head. I currently can't sleep, and I know when I can't sleep it's a big deal. It's frustrating not to have someone around who I can share all this with. Meaning I can't share this because it's not safe for certain people to hear. I have my Creator and I've prayed until I have no words or I just need to write it out again. Long sentence. I'm tired of being angry with myself. Tired of speaking in code for fear that someone may hear. There is one person I can talk to and she's my mother, but I don't know if that counts. She's biased. And I love that. Difficult. Right now.

It's crazy to ask for a loving heart when all I want this person to do is go away. Or I want to make things into a competition. But I REALLY don't want a competition, I want to win. Oh, and did I mention this person has NO idea of this situation? Which is best. Really, I would much rather just have that heart that trusts and is quick to hope. I don't want the pride living in me that just wants things to go my way. The pride that doesn't let me see that what's best is what God wants. I really don't want things to be any other way. What hurts is when things have to die-die in me and actual situations.

What I am most thankful for though is that we are not robots. God doesn't push a button and I'm fixed. There is a process and time of learning. A time of death and new life. And I want that new life and if I'm honest I want the death if it's what's best-right. All He does is good and I can put my everything into that.

Fasting

2008-05-20T15:22:00.001-07:00

So. I am fasting. I never know if I should let anyone in on the fact when I am fasting, it's between God and me. I also don't want people to get the wrong idea, like I'm looking for a reward or something. You know, those people who cover themselves in dirt or ash and make themselves look pitiful. I want to slick up my hair and shine my skin. It would also be more in my comfort zone to not tell anyone!

For a long time I didn't have the go-ahead to fast because it would turn into this mess of a thing with me and would defeat the purpose. There was a time when I used to use food to let my frustrations and anger out-or rather, lack of food. I won't go into the demented ways I craved starving myself when I was younger. I used to go days without eating or survive weeks on juice boxes and dry cereal.

Fasting, over the years, has become more and more heavy on my heart. I want to do it. I want that thing with God, that connection. That point where you really say I need nothing but You. Food. Food has no match on Him.

Then I read about the fruits and veggies fast and I knew that was it, it's something that fits and you still have that growl in your tummy. I don't feel like I'm cheating with being a veggie. There is no bread or cheeses and sweets. No pop. No chips. Nothing cooked or baked. No seasonings. Natural foods, as they are.

My goal is two weeks-I think. I don't want to lead this.

Right now I really want some bread. Or fries.

2008-05-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I read previous posts and I think-oh my goodness. I'm a dork. But oh well. It makes life interesting?

Am I old?

2008-04-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

Today the kids went to see some farm animals. There was a younger fellow who brought the animals. I caught his eye? I was later asked for my phone number-but I didn't know it until a few hours later. Thankfully this was all done among second parties. But. There was a decline. There is a bit of an age gap. I suppose there are many a women out there who would be flattered and would perhaps have an ego boost from this, but me? No. I have the ability to be bummed out about the whole thing.

I'm going to take the time to indulge myself. Sorry to anyone who may perhaps read this.

Over the years I have always wanted the same kind of man.

-Dusty disciple first and foremost
-Creative sort of person
-A surfer
-A cowboy
-Tall
-Animal person or at least a dog person

And the hugest one. . .
-A veggie

That's all. Why can't this person just come around already?? And of course this person has to live in Iowa. AM I ASKING TOO MUCH?? NO!

I Don't Hate Charlotte

2008-04-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

In fact, I think I've begun to even like the city after leaving about 16 months ago. And I feel like all of this is a very big step. It's a huge statement to say I don't hate Charlotte.

For a long time I thought I didn't like Charlotte, North Carolina. It felt confining and dirty and unsafe. It did NOT feel like home even though I had the chance to get to know it very well. I didn't like the CRAZY traffic; people drove like they were trying to outrun each other all the time-a constant race. People didn't seem to smile much unless they were trying to sell you something. I thought people in the South were supposed to be so nice, they say y'all all the time and call everyone hun or sweetie.

What is very amazing about Charlotte is it's embrace of art. And what makes that up is the people, not an animate, living thing that is a city-people make a city, that is what's living. They have an American Apparel store, Anthropologie, Crate and Barrel, and of course Urban Outfitters. Then they have NoDah, I don't think I'm spelling it right. A whole village dedicated to the arts. Yes, we have the East Village, but there's something still missing from the Village. A sort of vibrancy?? We have the Des Moines Art Center.

Incomplete thoughts.

There was something else making me feel bitter, trapped, smothered, not alive. And I hate to think I wasn't being honest with myself. The honesty was there in the back of my mind and heart, but I wasn't listening. And I don't know why. Maybe because this something that needed to die was something that I worked so hard on, cried over so much, prayed over until there were no more words. If I would have really looked, I would have seen that I wasn't living. Drowning is something that always seems to define it perfectly. Slowly it happened. I kind of waded, began to sink, and then struggle but was exhausted to the point where I had to bail. In that state I saw the truth up close and bare.

This seems cheesy. Over worded.

Sick

2008-04-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

Starting to wonder what's going on with my health. I have been sick since I got home from Hawaii. That would be a long time to be sick, March 19th I returned-but it's been different ailments since then.

Acts is a good book to be reading. I used to not think it was such a great book, I know, kind of crazy. It's been good to get a whole new view on what church should be.

My desire for TV has almost completely been taken away. If it's not something I actually like, my attention is gone.

I need to start paying more attention to my diet, and I need to get some physical activity in somewhere. I need to start ballet. Need? I always wonder about that word. It will be good to have a trail behind my place of residence.

I am a comfort creature.

I like to write.

Interesting fact-horses can't eat onions, it will upset their tummy.

2008-04-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

Feeling sick. Feeling. Blah. Still. Sometimes these blog things and other pages make me feel very self-centered. Then again, if I couldn't write. . . I don't know what I'd do.

Sometimes I am beside myself with wonder of God's complexity. How we can be so complicated and messed up-but we are still His and a work in progress. The strangeness of relationships and people-getting to know people-figuring people out that you've known your whole life or people you've recently met. The complexity of a bug or an animal. They are important right? Because God made them? What about fear in animals. Fear even in bugs; when they run away or even attack you, bite you because you've ruined their home. What is that fear? Is it simply instinct or something much more deep and mysterious?

The issue of veganism, or such, seems to come up often. It's an important issue to me, so maybe I sniff it out without intention. I guess my biggest wonder is, other than what does God want us to think-what does He think, why don't people seem to care more? And why do people think it strange that someone else should care so much? I guess it's just more of a great divide, more of our complexities and uniqueness. But really. Why do people not think about what goes on behind closed doors? It's a darkness that goes way deep and infects many other areas of our lives that, I agree, are more important.

Why did God give the go-ahead to eat them AFTER the fall? And if trees clap their hands to worship, how do animals worship? In their reliance on Him? It seems to me they do a much better job of that than I ever have!

Today's a reading day, I need to go take advantage of it.

If anyone reads, please give your input. . . thanks:)

mmm. . . annoyance?

2008-04-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty sure i hate the word crafty. maybe prefer creative? maybe crafty doesn't mean creative. don't know.

life is sort of wacky right now. can't explain. feel like things are going to change. feel like i don't know anyone. feel like honesty can be a bitch for a lot of people. in a world that is filled with so much falsity, i just want someone to tell me what's on their mind without saying it to someone else, first or at all, or without avoiding me. makes me want to scream-i just did in my head. like when someone has met me several times and still can't remember my name, say so! don't avoid me to avoid the awkwardness of confession. you will win my respect with your honesty.

God is in honesty. Sometimes things just suck and you have to talk about things that suck and it can suck to talk about things that suck.

2008-04-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

This may end up being ho-hum. I don't care. It's been a very humbling last couple of months. Almost three months? I've started attending a new church that has rocked my world. I've been to Hawaii. Been surfing. And have amazing new friends. And these are huge things, all of them. God has Blessed me so immensely. Beyond words. My dreams have been coming true right and left. If I don't document Love alive then I miss something and perhaps miss blessing someone else-which has become a new interest of mine. I really look at my life and see something new that has taken shape, something that isn't familiar or something I contrived, I asked for it, but didn't have any of this in mind. I love when God makes life only the way He can. Then He takes you aside for a look to see His surprises and workings and just how good He's been and how good you have it.

Spring is here and it's here in many ways. There's this slight fear in me that is concerned that I may mess all this up-which is quite possible because I am quite capable. But then Hope is here as well. And I know that if I let fear reign then I let the enemy win and I don't end up living the way I need to live. Do I even end up living? Hope is His and comes only from Him and I know He wins. Yes, He wins. And I love that. I love that He Loves me. I love that this life is His and can't be done my way. I love that I need these beautiful people that have come into my life. I love that through these people He is making my heart ache for people who don't know His love and beauty. I love that seeing the way He's loved other people make me love them and Him even more. I love looking at people, watching people move about and interact with each other. I love to see people's faces light up when they meet someone like these people I've met in the last few months-the way I love to watch people watching the ocean. It's beautiful.

year in-review revisited with more honesty

2008-01-13T14:10:00.000-08:00

This last year was probably one of the most difficult in my life-and I write this with hesitation because really I have known much worse years. It was also very good. Good in a sense that I don't feel I fell apart or went too rebellious. My rebellion, I think, was healthy in some ways but there are ways that it was not. The other day I was listening to a song that spoke of missing someone-that taste I know, the feel of forever. It spoke of the presence of Someone making everything around more beautiful and noticeable. Food tastes better, the plates the food is served on looks so elegant. You find you're at a point of mentioning this Person and it startles you. Your heart breaks because of the distance. The mentioning was because of familiarity. The realization of the absence along with the familiarity makes everything clear. The absence is because of you(my) idea of coping is still so flawed and self-seeking. The brilliance life has simply because of the presence of this mysterious One, hasn't quite been there this year. It's not that He is not there, it's because I thought I was old enough, mature and wise enough to handle this and think it through with rational that would save me. In reality, that was my utter destruction.

There are so many motions in life, conditionings. Pride makes you feel you can't admit your hurts and rest and fall and weep at His feet. Hurts give you a jolt and try to throw you off track. Yes, life sucks beyond measure. It hurts when something dies and you have to turn the leaf over to expose the life again. But if you don't, you will decay. Plants bend their shape with the movement of the sun. I rested on the 'knowings' in my head instead of on His heartbeat, on His chest. The MOST safe place to be. And why? Why did I choose to go the opposite direction of healing, warmth, beauty, grace, tenderness and then some?!

My rebellion was with a church that was built too much on rules. God knows my heart and the hurt that was caused by the establishment. He's on my side, as well and theirs. So I should have still brought it to Him in the midst of trying to move on in another place. I held on to my 'anti-establishment church' attitude and idea instead of forgiving the people who hurt me.

Hindsight I think is a pretty big word because it should come packed with intake and thinking and learning, etc. Sometimes it comes with an air of reprimand. Mocking almost. But then again, that could be my pride mocking me.

um

2007-12-17T15:19:00.000-08:00

listening to music that i want to listen to. more on the lines of doing what i want, not what someone thinks i should.

i'm thinking more and more that i am a nonconformist. i think that's the way my brain is wired. but there are times when i think that is not so good. like just not conforming to be different, not doing what is right for me. i think community is good, connection is good, but that doesn't mean i have to be like them in order to have these things. and i don't think i'm that extreme. i don't want the run of the mill life. i don't want mounds of cash underneath the bed and i don't want to be well-versed in the ways of the world in a sense of trends or gossip. like right now, i'm somewhat making myself listen to josh groban. i think in the back of my mind i wasn't listening to his music because it's not my age or hip. it's beautiful music and the truth is i really like it. i made myself buy three of his discs. i am happy. but i will not be a grobanite. that scares me.

i've been thinking of people my age, people i graduated from high school with. there are people i see working at mcd's, working 6-digit-income-jobs, people who make you wonder if they ever graduated. i don't want to get my career going because i want the 5-6 figure job. i want to be ALIVE. Passionate. Loving. Not looking at my peers and thinking i could be there. i just wonder if they are really happy. are they mounded in debt? did they do what they did because mom and dad pressured them?

i want to be free.

i think that's the basics of my mumblings.

Thoughts and Certainty

2007-11-28T17:21:00.000-08:00

Christmas season makes me think of a move and a break up. When I first was thinking of time spent this time last year, I was almost nostalgic. But now I am reminded of why there was another move and a break up. The annoyances and frustrations and hurts are stirred a little bit-the parts that aren't quite put to rest, maybe things that shouldn't be put to rest completely. I need to be reminded there is a healthy level of pride, pride that doesn't allow you to be pushed to the back burner, swept aside to let career and church make their sneaky presence dominant. God is good and He made marriage good, so I think times and things surrounding marriage should be well attended to-and not only when you feel like it or feel "safe" enough to let it in. I want to be passionate about marriage today, yesterday, and tomorrow-in all stages of a relationship. I want to be obedient to talk about it and discover it and be on purpose. I want to respect it enough to back out of a relationship that doesn't hold marriage as a passion. Somehow marriage got a hold of this paragraph.

I wanted to point out that I'm feeling glad about ending something when it seems to be taunting me with what could have been. I am remembering clearly the why of the death and feeling relief and almost gladness. This taunting will not let doubt win. Good wins. Rightness wins. I do what I want now, not what someone thinks I should be doing. Because I think wants still connect us with God's wants.

Christmas is good again. At least on the commercialism side.

2007-11-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

i really don't like malls.

write it down

2007-10-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

so this is my official, other-than-journal, out there post.

times right now seem to be difficult in terms of dissatisfaction with my life. and i think it's most difficult, ego coming out or not, because the things in life that are difficult are a direct result of me and my doings. so yes, things suck right now because of me! oh how many times i've tried to pin all my baggage on other people. can't blame the parents for everything.

i have my list of dreams to try to accomplish, so why not a direct and honest list of faults that i want OUT of my life.

~i'm not looking very dusty right now as a proclaimed Jesus person. i would like to be filthy.
~i have gained ten pounds since coming home to iowa, this does NOT make one happy. not to sound ego-headed, but i've never had a belly-and now i do!
~i am a very selfish person, not keeping up with my family and friends. i need to talk to my dad and just about every other person i consider myself to LOVE
~been home for about ten months now, enough time to get back on my feet and ready to be living without the assistance of my parents. so, i need to move out again. very soon.
~i need to spend time with the Abba outside, being in the midst of His brush strokes and finger prints.
~i need to stop spending my down-time in front of the tele-go outside, read, dance, write letters

it seems i've given myself plenty of time to get back on my feet, no more blaming this on a good and bad break-up. it's time to start running.

that should be enough for now.

ocean and surfing and water

2007-10-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

I was one of those kids who lived at the pool in the summer. Then my folks went their separate ways and the pool days ceased. You see I was able to ride my bike there with my friends almost every day-I lost both bike and friends. One thing my folks were good at when I was younger was taking me with them on their travels. My first introduction to the ocean was Hawaii, not prime in my opinion, but still very beautiful and intoxicating. I remember the way it smells and feels-especially after getting a fresh sunburn. Being in the ocean was all I wanted to do when I was in Hawaii.

Then there came the Camen Islands-my favorite. Yes, above Hawaii. I don't know what it was, if it was the color and the calmness or the fact that I got the guts to go further out snorkeling than I did in Hawaii. Again I was sunburned, so badly that I had to take a day off from being outside because I got sick from it. My face swelled so much I couldn't open my eyes all the way.

So now I am pretty much tortured. I haven't seen the ocean for about thirteen years, my fascination has grown immensely. And now. . . I'm in love with surfing without having ever been.

that's all for now

Walls and Grace

2007-10-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

Jesus people.

Sometimes I get a little annoyed with the word Christian because I think it's overused and not always a great or best descriptive word. We've made it up to mean so many different things. I call myself a Christian to conform I guess, but I much rather love the Jesus person or Jesus Follower title. Because that's what it boils down to.

As Christians, in our youthful beginnings, I think we're all taught incorrectly that we need to follow a list of rules in order for God to see us as acceptable. I think that bad wiring we start out with leads us to condemnation of our brothers and sisters. And mostly, at least for me, condemnation of ourselves. We sort of get into a panic when we haven't read our Bibles for a day or week. Sometimes I come to God and all it seems I thank Him for is His grace. There is nothing wrong with that. I take that on now. Grace is grace is grace. And that's where I need to sit-in His grace, really I already do. We all do. I know we have an enemy that wants us to forget that grace; wants us to throw our punches at each other for not calling ourselves Christians, or even for not wearing the right ensemble to church. And we better have that fish on the backs of our cars. Or you know what. . .

We build these massive walls between our brothers and sisters and the outside world, the nonbelievers. There are so many times when I hear the Gospel told to people and I want to run and hide with the "sinners". Or I want to tell these "Painful" messengers to talk of Love and Grace, not come at people with the dagger and scarlet letters. We need to tell people this beatiful Story that is happening and they are missing out on. We need to tell them they are LOVED and wanted and adored no matter what they've done. Because really it's not even about what they've done! Yes we need a bridge to our Father because of the fall, but we need to say hey, look at my scars and look what He's done! Words are so small when it comes to this, but it's what we have. Love is a movement. There is no Love in condemnation.

more signs of growing up?

2007-09-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

Aspects of the internet are starting to bother me. The internet is starting to bug me. Mostly though I've come to realize how selfish of a thing it is-egocentric, idolizing, etc. Right now pictures are bothering me. Yes, pictures. but of people. caps aren't all coming out. oh well. recently i went to a site for a band(not the official site) and there were loads of pictures of them. and of coarse there were a lot of the lead singer. i looked, but then it started to feel awkward. stalkerish? worshipish? idolish? what are you supposed to do with these pics? look quickly? stare? maybe i care too much. i love the internet for this reason, i love to read what people are thinking of or/and want to get other people to think about. it challenges me to bother writing about something more meaningful.

2007-09-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

haven't been here for a while. went to SD for a weekend with a friend. this friend to me has changed, i have seen her in a different light than i did before a simple trip with her. black hills are BEAUTIFUL. i see these trees differently than the iowa and north carolina trees. they are more massive than nc, sacred land, and majestic. God's glory and paint brush. anyway, the time spent with this friend made me think about love a lot. loving someone when you feel like this person will always put themselves on that magic pedestal. or rather in this case, destructive pedestal. i've never heard someone say honestly that they look adorable. quick to say was i that no, you look like crap. right there to cut her down to proper size. then i felt fine with the fact later on, that we don't spend much time together. then i realized that really good friends are actually priceless. then again, realized that my prayers for her would be changing. which is good.

on another note, my old boyfriend-not calling him ex, that sounds so harsh-was held at gun-point on Sunday night. the sickos took his car, money, phone, and other things. when i first read it i was so shocked, frozen. but almost instantly i felt peace. knowing God's hand was there and that His spirit was in me keeping check. this isn't a means to make me feel sorry for the break-up or moving back home. that still feels right. whether or not that feels right to my mom, i need to not care about anymore. it's difficult to picture A going through that, to see a gun in his face, see him getting hit with it. God was there, is there. Evil does not win. in any case.

so serious

2007-08-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

are my entries. no one reads them but me, so no bother. and that's how i wish it to be.

winter is my favorite season
fall gives way
and i do not say winter is my favorite
because i cannot handle the summer

today i learned that i share a birthday with beatrix potter
that was a great discovery to me
i love her
i wonder if my life would be like hers if i lived in her time
so quiet am i
so silly as well
dreamer
writer and drawer
so old and not married
tisk

willing to travel

pick your poison

2007-08-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

my tori amos songs aren't working on my player. so sad.

anyway.

for the past year or so i would say i haven't REALLY attended church. i've gone, but have not been involved or felt at home or like i even liked church. which in a way has been good because i think it's forced me to really think about and study what church is. still studying and am inconclusive-probably will be maybe until forever. what's been nagging me is the way thought patterns go, we get stuck on which sins are worse than the other. or even which person is more monstrous because of a certain sin they have committed. we pick and choose which instructions we do or do not follow. and we condemn those who pick and choose differently from us. and the ones we do not follow aren't even mentioned, maybe they won't exist if we don't say a word. i am here, lumped into the we. i am a great impostor as well. i do not cover me head when i pray. i wear men's clothing. i cuss in my head and sometimes out loud-cussing i think is the most sly of addictions. i get angry instead of responding in love. and i could go on. all of this goes to show me just how deceptive our enemy is. sin goes far beyond what we know. it caves inward and gets us to grab a hold of it and swing it in our loved one's faces. saying here, look at what you've done. but look at what i've done, it's not as bad as you. then we separate ourselves from the very ones we need.

as far as i can tell, and that is sarcastic-toned, we are to be like our Father and His Son. and that is an honor in itself and SO crazy to think about. He is the one who knows the heart. i love to read that and that He didn't send His Son to condemn but to save. i wish this was reflected much more in our conversations-about and with people.

so my peeve is that we don't follow all directions, we get angry at others for doing exactly what we do-sin, and we are flawed humans. ha.

inconclusive.

internet

2007-08-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

the internet is mosting annoying to me right now. just having to do it and keep up with stuff. email. pages. whatever.

love

2007-07-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

i love love. love in the romance sense. i don't have it right now, i don't see it coming any time soon-but really is there any other way to see it? other than actually having it and seeing it. i am thankful for this time of learning about it from the great Romancer. and i love to hear other people speak or write of their love for their spouse and it's REAL love. i love to hear a man say he is thankful for his wife or that he loves his wife. maybe because i never heard my dad tell my mom he loved her. i'll never hear that.

it feels good to say that i want to fight for love. to make that proclamation. to make an oath to a man i may not even know. it will be tough, but i will fight. make a list of the ways i want to show my husband that i love him. i think dancing and holding hands will be ultra important. and i know from personal, first-hand experience that when you know you love someone you need to say it. it's one thing to know someone loves you but to say and hear it is oh so important. even if you think you know it, there is still that unknowing air about not having those words touch your ears. love has many facets and i think you can't exhaust them, but i think everyone needs to try.

battle

2007-07-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

with summer and spring comes new life. green emerges in the most beautiful painting that wows my eyes and heart in ways that nothing else can. and of course, little creatures are out and about discovering this creation they have been born in to. this spring was especially exciting because the neighbor's tree held a little family of raccoons in it's hallow for about a month. we got to watch as a family of SEVEN outgrew it's little perch. seven being one mother and six babies. crazy. she is blessed! the night they moved out was filled with terror as one of the little ones fell off a branch. immediately the mother was yelling for her loved one as it was yelling back. she ran down the roof of the house and emerged from the other side. she found her baby unhurt and ready to be back with mom. meanwhile the whole family was chattering to each other, i'm sure keeping tabs on what was going on down on the ground. each day was a new blessing as i got to watch them, wondering what was happening, how big the babies were getting, and seeing if they were all there and ok. and you can imagine the surprise of finding that there were three times as many babies as originally thought.

move ahead about a month. i am driving on the main highway leading out of our little town. a few miles up i notice there are three dead raccoons on both sides of the road-one mom and two little ones. i got to thinking what it must have been like for them. because they weren't all hit at once, they were spread out from one another. i imagined that one got hit and the others were frantic, panicked not knowing what to do, tending to the one who was hit. and so their story went until their end. i remember the mom whose little one fell from the branch, even an animal has that sense of desperation and rush when something horrific happens.

move to yesterday, about two weeks since the highway trip. a squirrel was hit but not killed just in front of the house. he was dazed and hurt pretty badly. he just stayed in the middle of the road where he was injured. meanwhile people are driving around him trying not to hit him, or they are slowing down and taking a look to see if this is really what they see. i left him there thinking someone would eventually put him out of his misery, but no, the same thing kept happening. people would slow, gawk, drive around-meanwhile the poor thing is flattening himself down in terror from being driven over by massive trucks and school buses. eventually i can't take it, he is being tortured. so i get a towel, pick him up, and put him in the yard. i go in and call the humane society, they can't do anything, he's a wild animal. they say they'll call someone who may come pick him up. but NO. he stays there for four hours, alive. agonizing pain. he is whimpering. i don't know what to do. he eventually gives up his fight. he is buried in the back yard.

all of this makes me sick. the battle in this world isn't just with and against humans, it's with animals and trees and the ocean. our enemy is working very hard to deface God's beauty and majesty. trying to destroy and maim what he did not create. his wrath and anger are hard at work-he is not resting. just as we should not be resting. animals are God's just as we are. they are crafted in mystery and splendor. we cannot know them, we cannot know ourselves. but we can be in awe of the One who wants us, who is fighting for our hearts and lives. it is more than an honor to take up the sword and fight for good and His light. this is a battle i am willing to choose and die for. His Kingdom and glory. His splendor, His life-not mine. these are the scars, bruises, shed blood that i am not ashamed of.

dads

2007-07-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

i would for sure consider myself to be a sensitive person. but i would also consider myself to be a person with a lot of guts. so here goes the two together. my dad. i don't understand this person. i think i would consider him to be a dead-beat dad. i used to think it was, and still somewhat do, because of losing my brother. but he was this way before my brother even came along. my sister has two kids, they've never met my dad. he is a grandfather. maybe you could take grand out. am i sounding too harsh?? or just honest?? don't care, it's what i think, i think it's real. my dad never calls me. i never call him. he doesn't email, send cards, didn't help out with school tuition. this is the same way with my sister, but she's had a much more terrible go of it than I.

he has a MUCH better relationship with a girl who was our neighbor in WDM. they talk all the time on the phone. email, send cards, etc. come to think of it, i think it's always been somewhat like this. I remember getting jealous of kids who would play with my dad over playing with me. they'd come over to the house and he would chase them around, be goofy with them-whatever went along with that. meanwhile I remember playing outside by myself or just going somewhere to be by myself, because i got lost in the shuffle.

i've never felt wanted by my father. never felt like what i was doing was ever approved or thought of as worthy. have felt for a long time now that his love for me is/was so conditional. and to think of my sister. oh my gosh. how can he do something like this?? he married my mother. he made the choice, knowing that with marriage comes the stereotypical, cliche growing of a family-and that INCLUDES THE FATHER!!!!!!! most of the time after the divorce, i felt like my dad was spending time with me because it was his legal right and he wanted to spite my mother. why do dads SUCK SO FREAKING MUCH?? and i know i can't live with that thought. i know there are dads out there who are awesome. i want a husband like that and if he's not, then he'd better watch out.

guts/sensitive---what is keeping me from pushing through this like a mad woman? i know we are to forgive like we've been forgiven. take on that grace as a new face, heart, drive, passion, and life. let those scars be our motivation, say, look what He brought me through, see how He showed His love and grace and made me strong. what sucks the most about to sin to me, other than breaking the True Father's heart, is how our sin can affect others so much and make their lives hell. i've been hurt by my father many times. so many that they've all just molded together and painted this portrait of a stranger. a stranger i don't want to get to know. someone i know who will hurt me again and again. but at the same time, i know i can take it. i just need to make that move. make the great stride and start an actual relationship with my dad. even if it is major malfunction. even if i end up with more bruises than i ever had in the first place. i need to plant my face at my Father's feet asking once more for strength, mercy, passionate love, and determination to really fight through it. i'm only 25-almost 26. he's almost 60, he's a man, he can take it. tomorrow will always be tomorrow-never guaranteeing itself. today we know is here, it is sure and true.

Father, make me move.

best friends' weddings

2007-07-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

there is only one friend, GOOD friend, of mine left to get married. i'm not a person with loads of friends, i haven't been that way since grade school. is grade school, grade-school?? but you would think that i have come to an understanding or a getting-used-to kind of understanding of handling married friends. and none of my friends married people that we knew from home. but one thing they do have in common is a time of disappearing. which i think is understandable, i think i would do the same thing.

and

one of those married people just called me. . .hhmmm.

anway.

what?!

2007-06-27T18:44:00.000-07:00

NEW KENSINGTON: Don't do it out of anger. Don't swing too hard and always hug your child when you're done — when you're done spanking him or her using a wooden paddle signed, "Love Joey."

Yeah, I HATE this quote. It makes me sick. I have to admit I couldn't finish reading it when I first saw this quote. Then I read it later and laughed, not at the subject, but this guy. The whole article is full of quotes. All about "corporal punishment" for children. He gives "advice" on how to handle this form of discipline, at one point even suggesting an appointment slip as to when the spanking would take place. Oh, and, he's making these paddles and selling them on the internet. BLAH!! I know, spare the rod and spoil the child. But are we even sure this is what the Bible is meaning? Is rod really discipline?? I was spanked when I was little, only a few times, but I still did what I wanted eventually. I just got really good at hiding and lying to my parents.

This is funny, this whole thing, I'm blogging to myself like I would be talking to myself.

Anyway.

celebrities and dreams

2007-06-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

one thing that bothers me, has been annoying me, is seeing all these celebrities advertising charities or global causes. for some reason it really hit me today, it just struck me as frustrating. like maybe they should be quiet about it, but at the same time what else would you want to use your celebritism for?? i know there are a lot of them who work behind the scenes, with no credit, and that's cool. but i just get so tired of seeing these primped out movie stars among children who need medicine and food, not their pictures to be taken for some magazine they will never read. maybe i am frustrated because i have no money to give, or haven't myself been to these places of desperation. i know what it's like to live without money, but not without food or proper shelter and clothing, and or even medicine. i'll restate, what else would you really want to do with your fame?? be famous for getting drunk in front of flashing cameras, or helping the poverished in front of a journalist's camera? i do think Love comes with action. we are called to Love like we are Loved. that's what means anything. not typing behind a computer. haha, look at me!

for the past few nights i've been kept awake by dreams. i am a HUGE dreamer. i am constantly adding to my list of to dos before i turn 30, 40, and so on. teaching has slow-danced its way into my head over the past couple months. a beautiful and difficult dance because i was already dancing with another. but now it's in my heart. it's exciting because i have no idea how God is going to do it. i am not big in the bank department. night classes where?? going BACK to school?? school is always something i've been eager to get away from, and now i can't wait. and this is where this whole blog ties together. being the single gal that i am, a huge chunk of this dream is spending summers teaching in Africa, Asia, even Australia. or maybe. . .

for what it's worth

2007-06-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

In thinking of royalty(I just watched the Queen and William turned my age today)I've been thinking about what I would do if I was in that position. Having, what we may think to be, the world at our fingertips. In all reality, we already do. We have a choice to make life everything we could dream it to be. God being the Maker, Giver, and Taker of dreams, knows what to do with them, when to take them away, and He gives us the means to make dreams alive, lived out. I love interior design, art, architecture, and creating. But I love the other kind of interior design more. And what I think I trully love the most is the interior design of others, especially children and people who are in desperate need of redemption and grace. Aren't we all??

This life needs to be something more than TV and leisure. Yes, I want to learn to surf, I want to see Paris at night. I want to see castles and dance with my future husband in the rain of Spain. I think these are important too. But if my life isn't lived out for Love, than I don't want to live. I want someone else to come along and take up this space. In a sense, that's what I want anyway. I want to fight and go out in flames.

ocean

2007-06-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

i wan the ocean so badly right now. water helps, but the ocean is in me some where. my eyes, my skin, my tongue, and my nose remember it so well. that's one thing i miss about hawaii-the way it smells.

surfing. i'm going to do it soon. this is my promise

God is the Creator of the ocean and surfing.

peta

2007-06-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I was walking, I was thinking to myself about animal rights. I was thinking about how much effort I put into loving animals. Not eating them, not buying products tested on them, being respectful of their being created by the Creator. Then I was thinking to myself about human rights. I thought more about the items of clothing I buy, how they get to me, how they are made, and what I pay for them. And then my thoughts hit me like a stone, I pay more attention and devotion to animal rights than I do to human rights. With this intense wave of environmental issues hitting us like a mad storm, I think we need to hit the issues of taking care of humans much harder. Because really that's where it all starts. We take care of humans then that leads us to taking care of animals and the environment. And, I am a bit critical of the environment issues, I really don't think we have it all figured out yet. Science to me is a guessing game, or even a great novel or how-to book. Just write it up and that somehow makes it true.

We are all crazy.

unraveling

2007-05-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

First this was going to go out to someone, but I think I just need to write to get this off my chest. I think it's ok though, because I wrote this in my journal but I feel I need to still write it out. I don't know if I could write it any new way and feel I've out-written it. Or maybe it's something that will stick with me for a while. And that would be good.

Here we go. I recently read on another's posting that one should just be themselves because it makes sense, it's good, it's who we are made to be. Not exactly written like that. Lately I've been seeing more and more just how much of myself I pushed aside, washing my brain to think that I was wrong or should be on my way to being a different person. Someone who trusts God more. Someone who could have great patience. After all, patience can be an action and not really what's going on inside and that would be ok. This person I was trying so hard to please never really told me in any way, until three years too late, that he cared for me. Today without even intentionally thinking about, I thought. There was a moment when I was having that conversation in my head. Talking to someone who knew me intimately. I ran down a list of things I gave up to be with this person who always put me last, made me feel like I was always wrong. Everything from my career to my hair was because of him. I dreamed for such a long time to be a designer. I went to school, ENJOYED school!! Put two years of it on hold. Something that makes me happy and alive. Something I pursued. And now. I don't know if it's too late. But I can't think like that.

And that's the other big thought. This whole world is open to me. It should be exciting. It is. It may sound cheesy, but I have to get me going again. Not the sense of, it's all about me. blah blah blah. I just need to hear and belive that I am on purpose. I want to burn out bright and that means I need to live out this passion called life. And I can't let someone direct that for me. There is only One who can do that. Choices are to be made. I want to hear His voice. Not the one telling me I am weak and frail and fat and ugly, no one wants me. That's not true.

So
i'm going to cut my hair
like the boys with tattoos
sing out loud
dance dance and dance
be goofy
cry when i need to
become that ballerina
design houses that would make Frank cry
love like it's my only source of fresh air
be the dustiest disciple you've ever seen
and be more of me that i need to be
and not be afraid of that, like it's wrong, like i've become egocentic.

because, i've been killing myself for too long now.