year in-review revisited with more honesty

This last year was probably one of the most difficult in my life-and I write this with hesitation because really I have known much worse years. It was also very good. Good in a sense that I don't feel I fell apart or went too rebellious. My rebellion, I think, was healthy in some ways but there are ways that it was not. The other day I was listening to a song that spoke of missing someone-that taste I know, the feel of forever. It spoke of the presence of Someone making everything around more beautiful and noticeable. Food tastes better, the plates the food is served on looks so elegant. You find you're at a point of mentioning this Person and it startles you. Your heart breaks because of the distance. The mentioning was because of familiarity. The realization of the absence along with the familiarity makes everything clear. The absence is because of you(my) idea of coping is still so flawed and self-seeking. The brilliance life has simply because of the presence of this mysterious One, hasn't quite been there this year. It's not that He is not there, it's because I thought I was old enough, mature and wise enough to handle this and think it through with rational that would save me. In reality, that was my utter destruction.

There are so many motions in life, conditionings. Pride makes you feel you can't admit your hurts and rest and fall and weep at His feet. Hurts give you a jolt and try to throw you off track. Yes, life sucks beyond measure. It hurts when something dies and you have to turn the leaf over to expose the life again. But if you don't, you will decay. Plants bend their shape with the movement of the sun. I rested on the 'knowings' in my head instead of on His heartbeat, on His chest. The MOST safe place to be. And why? Why did I choose to go the opposite direction of healing, warmth, beauty, grace, tenderness and then some?!

My rebellion was with a church that was built too much on rules. God knows my heart and the hurt that was caused by the establishment. He's on my side, as well and theirs. So I should have still brought it to Him in the midst of trying to move on in another place. I held on to my 'anti-establishment church' attitude and idea instead of forgiving the people who hurt me.

Hindsight I think is a pretty big word because it should come packed with intake and thinking and learning, etc. Sometimes it comes with an air of reprimand. Mocking almost. But then again, that could be my pride mocking me.