Am I old?

Today the kids went to see some farm animals. There was a younger fellow who brought the animals. I caught his eye? I was later asked for my phone number-but I didn't know it until a few hours later. Thankfully this was all done among second parties. But. There was a decline. There is a bit of an age gap. I suppose there are many a women out there who would be flattered and would perhaps have an ego boost from this, but me? No. I have the ability to be bummed out about the whole thing.

I'm going to take the time to indulge myself. Sorry to anyone who may perhaps read this.

Over the years I have always wanted the same kind of man.

-Dusty disciple first and foremost
-Creative sort of person
-A surfer
-A cowboy
-Tall
-Animal person or at least a dog person

And the hugest one. . .
-A veggie

That's all. Why can't this person just come around already?? And of course this person has to live in Iowa. AM I ASKING TOO MUCH?? NO!

I Don't Hate Charlotte

In fact, I think I've begun to even like the city after leaving about 16 months ago. And I feel like all of this is a very big step. It's a huge statement to say I don't hate Charlotte.

For a long time I thought I didn't like Charlotte, North Carolina. It felt confining and dirty and unsafe. It did NOT feel like home even though I had the chance to get to know it very well. I didn't like the CRAZY traffic; people drove like they were trying to outrun each other all the time-a constant race. People didn't seem to smile much unless they were trying to sell you something. I thought people in the South were supposed to be so nice, they say y'all all the time and call everyone hun or sweetie.

What is very amazing about Charlotte is it's embrace of art. And what makes that up is the people, not an animate, living thing that is a city-people make a city, that is what's living. They have an American Apparel store, Anthropologie, Crate and Barrel, and of course Urban Outfitters. Then they have NoDah, I don't think I'm spelling it right. A whole village dedicated to the arts. Yes, we have the East Village, but there's something still missing from the Village. A sort of vibrancy?? We have the Des Moines Art Center.

Incomplete thoughts.

There was something else making me feel bitter, trapped, smothered, not alive. And I hate to think I wasn't being honest with myself. The honesty was there in the back of my mind and heart, but I wasn't listening. And I don't know why. Maybe because this something that needed to die was something that I worked so hard on, cried over so much, prayed over until there were no more words. If I would have really looked, I would have seen that I wasn't living. Drowning is something that always seems to define it perfectly. Slowly it happened. I kind of waded, began to sink, and then struggle but was exhausted to the point where I had to bail. In that state I saw the truth up close and bare.

This seems cheesy. Over worded.

Sick

Starting to wonder what's going on with my health. I have been sick since I got home from Hawaii. That would be a long time to be sick, March 19th I returned-but it's been different ailments since then.

Acts is a good book to be reading. I used to not think it was such a great book, I know, kind of crazy. It's been good to get a whole new view on what church should be.

My desire for TV has almost completely been taken away. If it's not something I actually like, my attention is gone.

I need to start paying more attention to my diet, and I need to get some physical activity in somewhere. I need to start ballet. Need? I always wonder about that word. It will be good to have a trail behind my place of residence.

I am a comfort creature.

I like to write.

Interesting fact-horses can't eat onions, it will upset their tummy.

Feeling sick. Feeling. Blah. Still. Sometimes these blog things and other pages make me feel very self-centered. Then again, if I couldn't write. . . I don't know what I'd do.

Sometimes I am beside myself with wonder of God's complexity. How we can be so complicated and messed up-but we are still His and a work in progress. The strangeness of relationships and people-getting to know people-figuring people out that you've known your whole life or people you've recently met. The complexity of a bug or an animal. They are important right? Because God made them? What about fear in animals. Fear even in bugs; when they run away or even attack you, bite you because you've ruined their home. What is that fear? Is it simply instinct or something much more deep and mysterious?

The issue of veganism, or such, seems to come up often. It's an important issue to me, so maybe I sniff it out without intention. I guess my biggest wonder is, other than what does God want us to think-what does He think, why don't people seem to care more? And why do people think it strange that someone else should care so much? I guess it's just more of a great divide, more of our complexities and uniqueness. But really. Why do people not think about what goes on behind closed doors? It's a darkness that goes way deep and infects many other areas of our lives that, I agree, are more important.

Why did God give the go-ahead to eat them AFTER the fall? And if trees clap their hands to worship, how do animals worship? In their reliance on Him? It seems to me they do a much better job of that than I ever have!

Today's a reading day, I need to go take advantage of it.

If anyone reads, please give your input. . . thanks:)

mmm. . . annoyance?

i'm pretty sure i hate the word crafty. maybe prefer creative? maybe crafty doesn't mean creative. don't know.

life is sort of wacky right now. can't explain. feel like things are going to change. feel like i don't know anyone. feel like honesty can be a bitch for a lot of people. in a world that is filled with so much falsity, i just want someone to tell me what's on their mind without saying it to someone else, first or at all, or without avoiding me. makes me want to scream-i just did in my head. like when someone has met me several times and still can't remember my name, say so! don't avoid me to avoid the awkwardness of confession. you will win my respect with your honesty.

God is in honesty. Sometimes things just suck and you have to talk about things that suck and it can suck to talk about things that suck.

This may end up being ho-hum. I don't care. It's been a very humbling last couple of months. Almost three months? I've started attending a new church that has rocked my world. I've been to Hawaii. Been surfing. And have amazing new friends. And these are huge things, all of them. God has Blessed me so immensely. Beyond words. My dreams have been coming true right and left. If I don't document Love alive then I miss something and perhaps miss blessing someone else-which has become a new interest of mine. I really look at my life and see something new that has taken shape, something that isn't familiar or something I contrived, I asked for it, but didn't have any of this in mind. I love when God makes life only the way He can. Then He takes you aside for a look to see His surprises and workings and just how good He's been and how good you have it.

Spring is here and it's here in many ways. There's this slight fear in me that is concerned that I may mess all this up-which is quite possible because I am quite capable. But then Hope is here as well. And I know that if I let fear reign then I let the enemy win and I don't end up living the way I need to live. Do I even end up living? Hope is His and comes only from Him and I know He wins. Yes, He wins. And I love that. I love that He Loves me. I love that this life is His and can't be done my way. I love that I need these beautiful people that have come into my life. I love that through these people He is making my heart ache for people who don't know His love and beauty. I love that seeing the way He's loved other people make me love them and Him even more. I love looking at people, watching people move about and interact with each other. I love to see people's faces light up when they meet someone like these people I've met in the last few months-the way I love to watch people watching the ocean. It's beautiful.