This time is sweet with bits of frustration. If the frustration outweighed the sweet then this wouldn't be worth going through. I trust that this is a fire of refinement and even beauty. It's good to see character strengths, to see just how good I have it. Even when things are frustrating my heart is still melting. I am feeling spoiled. But I don't think God spoils us, just loves us better than anyone ever could.

Be careful

I think I should be more careful with my open confessions. . . hence some editing on here.

I can't stress enough how much I do NOT like cats but how much I love my roommate.

Good conversation is SO priceless-I need more of it in life. I need to be more intentional about it but not just talk for the sake of filling silence.

I miss art. Leaves. The sun. Warmth. Going for walks. Flip flops. Dogs.

PETA contacted me about looking into some neglected animals, but it was in Marion, Iowa not Marion county. I wanted to go. A lot of times I don't think I am much greater than an animal.

I fear writing has lost some of its place in my life, which can be scary. But I don't know what to write.

Letting Mom in on the secret was the best idea yet.

Am not a fan of cats.

Have no energy. Need to eat better and really look into that ballet class.

Thoughts are captivated.
Which I think is ok because I think this person is good.

new

Being sick for the last FIVE freaking days has proven to be quite the trial. I think it's always a trial to be sick, but I haven't been sick to this degree for a while. I wasn't even able to read my Bible because it made me nauseous. Moving around too much even made me sick. Thankfully I had a break from it all to go to church on Sunday and out with friends-which I'm wondering if it all made me more ill. And I learned moving around made me sick when I went to rent some movies. It's been humbling-to be so low and weak, but to also have everyone know about it! Yes, I threw up a lot this weekend and more.

And I am most certain TV is a thing of my past. It's funny how a sabbatical from it can open your eyes to the absolute sickness of what's being made for MILLIONS of people to sit mindlessly(or so we think) in front of a plastic box and drink in. I've had my fill for the year.

I'm loving this time of being in recovery and healing. I ate mashed potatoes this evening and they were THE best meal of my life! Then I found some strawberries. MMmmm. Honestly, being sick has given me a renewal. I have such a huge need for my Father that was there before but now I just want to reach out to Him. There's this sort of zest I have now. I want God and fresh fruit and fresh air and life. What I want right now is something that will last, something solid and honest. Warmth. Strong but gentle arms embracing me. Goodness. A deep and meaningful conversation. Connection. Not just a pretend sentence composed of cliche phrases and aught-to-says.

too thin

feeling stretched too thin. maybe i get a six month itch when things have changed in life. really, i don't think that's true. i LOVE people. sometimes i wonder if i project that being an introvert. anyway, i am not a million people person. i don't want even 100 numbers in my phone, i don't want 500 texts a month and i don't want to be out doing things every day of the week-i think there was a time when i wanted that and thought it was something to be gained and trophied. my insides can't take being invested that way. i want to really know someone, not get them mixed up with someone else's story, know their last name and how to spell it!

need some alone days. they are few and far between.

need to be thankful for the multiple blessings i am given every day.

need to trust that this is how i'm made, that it's ok to be a fewer people person. i want to really be in relationships and i think He wants that-not a million shallow relationships.

need to be on my knees asking for those people i can really connect with and really connect with those already in my life.

yay for direction and specific needs in life that i can connect with my Father over.

Feeling crazy

What to do with what's in my head. I currently can't sleep, and I know when I can't sleep it's a big deal. It's frustrating not to have someone around who I can share all this with. Meaning I can't share this because it's not safe for certain people to hear. I have my Creator and I've prayed until I have no words or I just need to write it out again. Long sentence. I'm tired of being angry with myself. Tired of speaking in code for fear that someone may hear. There is one person I can talk to and she's my mother, but I don't know if that counts. She's biased. And I love that. Difficult. Right now.

It's crazy to ask for a loving heart when all I want this person to do is go away. Or I want to make things into a competition. But I REALLY don't want a competition, I want to win. Oh, and did I mention this person has NO idea of this situation? Which is best. Really, I would much rather just have that heart that trusts and is quick to hope. I don't want the pride living in me that just wants things to go my way. The pride that doesn't let me see that what's best is what God wants. I really don't want things to be any other way. What hurts is when things have to die-die in me and actual situations.

What I am most thankful for though is that we are not robots. God doesn't push a button and I'm fixed. There is a process and time of learning. A time of death and new life. And I want that new life and if I'm honest I want the death if it's what's best-right. All He does is good and I can put my everything into that.

Fasting

So. I am fasting. I never know if I should let anyone in on the fact when I am fasting, it's between God and me. I also don't want people to get the wrong idea, like I'm looking for a reward or something. You know, those people who cover themselves in dirt or ash and make themselves look pitiful. I want to slick up my hair and shine my skin. It would also be more in my comfort zone to not tell anyone!

For a long time I didn't have the go-ahead to fast because it would turn into this mess of a thing with me and would defeat the purpose. There was a time when I used to use food to let my frustrations and anger out-or rather, lack of food. I won't go into the demented ways I craved starving myself when I was younger. I used to go days without eating or survive weeks on juice boxes and dry cereal.

Fasting, over the years, has become more and more heavy on my heart. I want to do it. I want that thing with God, that connection. That point where you really say I need nothing but You. Food. Food has no match on Him.

Then I read about the fruits and veggies fast and I knew that was it, it's something that fits and you still have that growl in your tummy. I don't feel like I'm cheating with being a veggie. There is no bread or cheeses and sweets. No pop. No chips. Nothing cooked or baked. No seasonings. Natural foods, as they are.

My goal is two weeks-I think. I don't want to lead this.

Right now I really want some bread. Or fries.

Sometimes I read previous posts and I think-oh my goodness. I'm a dork. But oh well. It makes life interesting?

Am I old?

Today the kids went to see some farm animals. There was a younger fellow who brought the animals. I caught his eye? I was later asked for my phone number-but I didn't know it until a few hours later. Thankfully this was all done among second parties. But. There was a decline. There is a bit of an age gap. I suppose there are many a women out there who would be flattered and would perhaps have an ego boost from this, but me? No. I have the ability to be bummed out about the whole thing.

I'm going to take the time to indulge myself. Sorry to anyone who may perhaps read this.

Over the years I have always wanted the same kind of man.

-Dusty disciple first and foremost
-Creative sort of person
-A surfer
-A cowboy
-Tall
-Animal person or at least a dog person

And the hugest one. . .
-A veggie

That's all. Why can't this person just come around already?? And of course this person has to live in Iowa. AM I ASKING TOO MUCH?? NO!

I Don't Hate Charlotte

In fact, I think I've begun to even like the city after leaving about 16 months ago. And I feel like all of this is a very big step. It's a huge statement to say I don't hate Charlotte.

For a long time I thought I didn't like Charlotte, North Carolina. It felt confining and dirty and unsafe. It did NOT feel like home even though I had the chance to get to know it very well. I didn't like the CRAZY traffic; people drove like they were trying to outrun each other all the time-a constant race. People didn't seem to smile much unless they were trying to sell you something. I thought people in the South were supposed to be so nice, they say y'all all the time and call everyone hun or sweetie.

What is very amazing about Charlotte is it's embrace of art. And what makes that up is the people, not an animate, living thing that is a city-people make a city, that is what's living. They have an American Apparel store, Anthropologie, Crate and Barrel, and of course Urban Outfitters. Then they have NoDah, I don't think I'm spelling it right. A whole village dedicated to the arts. Yes, we have the East Village, but there's something still missing from the Village. A sort of vibrancy?? We have the Des Moines Art Center.

Incomplete thoughts.

There was something else making me feel bitter, trapped, smothered, not alive. And I hate to think I wasn't being honest with myself. The honesty was there in the back of my mind and heart, but I wasn't listening. And I don't know why. Maybe because this something that needed to die was something that I worked so hard on, cried over so much, prayed over until there were no more words. If I would have really looked, I would have seen that I wasn't living. Drowning is something that always seems to define it perfectly. Slowly it happened. I kind of waded, began to sink, and then struggle but was exhausted to the point where I had to bail. In that state I saw the truth up close and bare.

This seems cheesy. Over worded.

Sick

Starting to wonder what's going on with my health. I have been sick since I got home from Hawaii. That would be a long time to be sick, March 19th I returned-but it's been different ailments since then.

Acts is a good book to be reading. I used to not think it was such a great book, I know, kind of crazy. It's been good to get a whole new view on what church should be.

My desire for TV has almost completely been taken away. If it's not something I actually like, my attention is gone.

I need to start paying more attention to my diet, and I need to get some physical activity in somewhere. I need to start ballet. Need? I always wonder about that word. It will be good to have a trail behind my place of residence.

I am a comfort creature.

I like to write.

Interesting fact-horses can't eat onions, it will upset their tummy.

Feeling sick. Feeling. Blah. Still. Sometimes these blog things and other pages make me feel very self-centered. Then again, if I couldn't write. . . I don't know what I'd do.

Sometimes I am beside myself with wonder of God's complexity. How we can be so complicated and messed up-but we are still His and a work in progress. The strangeness of relationships and people-getting to know people-figuring people out that you've known your whole life or people you've recently met. The complexity of a bug or an animal. They are important right? Because God made them? What about fear in animals. Fear even in bugs; when they run away or even attack you, bite you because you've ruined their home. What is that fear? Is it simply instinct or something much more deep and mysterious?

The issue of veganism, or such, seems to come up often. It's an important issue to me, so maybe I sniff it out without intention. I guess my biggest wonder is, other than what does God want us to think-what does He think, why don't people seem to care more? And why do people think it strange that someone else should care so much? I guess it's just more of a great divide, more of our complexities and uniqueness. But really. Why do people not think about what goes on behind closed doors? It's a darkness that goes way deep and infects many other areas of our lives that, I agree, are more important.

Why did God give the go-ahead to eat them AFTER the fall? And if trees clap their hands to worship, how do animals worship? In their reliance on Him? It seems to me they do a much better job of that than I ever have!

Today's a reading day, I need to go take advantage of it.

If anyone reads, please give your input. . . thanks:)

mmm. . . annoyance?

i'm pretty sure i hate the word crafty. maybe prefer creative? maybe crafty doesn't mean creative. don't know.

life is sort of wacky right now. can't explain. feel like things are going to change. feel like i don't know anyone. feel like honesty can be a bitch for a lot of people. in a world that is filled with so much falsity, i just want someone to tell me what's on their mind without saying it to someone else, first or at all, or without avoiding me. makes me want to scream-i just did in my head. like when someone has met me several times and still can't remember my name, say so! don't avoid me to avoid the awkwardness of confession. you will win my respect with your honesty.

God is in honesty. Sometimes things just suck and you have to talk about things that suck and it can suck to talk about things that suck.

This may end up being ho-hum. I don't care. It's been a very humbling last couple of months. Almost three months? I've started attending a new church that has rocked my world. I've been to Hawaii. Been surfing. And have amazing new friends. And these are huge things, all of them. God has Blessed me so immensely. Beyond words. My dreams have been coming true right and left. If I don't document Love alive then I miss something and perhaps miss blessing someone else-which has become a new interest of mine. I really look at my life and see something new that has taken shape, something that isn't familiar or something I contrived, I asked for it, but didn't have any of this in mind. I love when God makes life only the way He can. Then He takes you aside for a look to see His surprises and workings and just how good He's been and how good you have it.

Spring is here and it's here in many ways. There's this slight fear in me that is concerned that I may mess all this up-which is quite possible because I am quite capable. But then Hope is here as well. And I know that if I let fear reign then I let the enemy win and I don't end up living the way I need to live. Do I even end up living? Hope is His and comes only from Him and I know He wins. Yes, He wins. And I love that. I love that He Loves me. I love that this life is His and can't be done my way. I love that I need these beautiful people that have come into my life. I love that through these people He is making my heart ache for people who don't know His love and beauty. I love that seeing the way He's loved other people make me love them and Him even more. I love looking at people, watching people move about and interact with each other. I love to see people's faces light up when they meet someone like these people I've met in the last few months-the way I love to watch people watching the ocean. It's beautiful.

year in-review revisited with more honesty

This last year was probably one of the most difficult in my life-and I write this with hesitation because really I have known much worse years. It was also very good. Good in a sense that I don't feel I fell apart or went too rebellious. My rebellion, I think, was healthy in some ways but there are ways that it was not. The other day I was listening to a song that spoke of missing someone-that taste I know, the feel of forever. It spoke of the presence of Someone making everything around more beautiful and noticeable. Food tastes better, the plates the food is served on looks so elegant. You find you're at a point of mentioning this Person and it startles you. Your heart breaks because of the distance. The mentioning was because of familiarity. The realization of the absence along with the familiarity makes everything clear. The absence is because of you(my) idea of coping is still so flawed and self-seeking. The brilliance life has simply because of the presence of this mysterious One, hasn't quite been there this year. It's not that He is not there, it's because I thought I was old enough, mature and wise enough to handle this and think it through with rational that would save me. In reality, that was my utter destruction.

There are so many motions in life, conditionings. Pride makes you feel you can't admit your hurts and rest and fall and weep at His feet. Hurts give you a jolt and try to throw you off track. Yes, life sucks beyond measure. It hurts when something dies and you have to turn the leaf over to expose the life again. But if you don't, you will decay. Plants bend their shape with the movement of the sun. I rested on the 'knowings' in my head instead of on His heartbeat, on His chest. The MOST safe place to be. And why? Why did I choose to go the opposite direction of healing, warmth, beauty, grace, tenderness and then some?!

My rebellion was with a church that was built too much on rules. God knows my heart and the hurt that was caused by the establishment. He's on my side, as well and theirs. So I should have still brought it to Him in the midst of trying to move on in another place. I held on to my 'anti-establishment church' attitude and idea instead of forgiving the people who hurt me.

Hindsight I think is a pretty big word because it should come packed with intake and thinking and learning, etc. Sometimes it comes with an air of reprimand. Mocking almost. But then again, that could be my pride mocking me.