i've had dreams of you. some have been in my sleep before. a sort of ache. my heart. a castle crept through with anger and speed. this cost way too much. but the journey was made just for this place. it's beauty soothing an irritation. so many car trips. so much walking. and so it makes sense that it should reappear in a dream. have you read this? do you know it's you? what do i do if you and i should continue to walk in my dreams? why are you showing up? and what do i make of it? why do i weep? when i did so hard so long ago from a pain i had never felt so intense? i must sleep without your walking around and driving. please.

searching

my comp is fixed. which may be bad. i don't need to be on here anymore than usual. but i can be on here whenever. and do whatever. so. maybe. whatever.

i feel the aftermath of leaving is wearing off. it seems when i am hurt by others from the church it takes tole and time. seems to knock the wind out of me causing me some downtime that has sway on my relationship with my Creator. which stinks. and also means that its influence doesn't release until i take note. i am hungry for that real relationship with God through people who love without agenda or condition. people who search Him out earnestly and honestly. without putting Him into an equation or box. i have those people now. and i think i will embrace them more now that i have taken note of the tripping. time to move on.

tomorrow i try on wedding dresses. i have never tried on a wedding dress. but this is the right time. the right person. i love this person, i know. and there is no hiding. he is it. the one i said to be careful of exposing. he is mine. in a matter of months. how crazy is that?

today doesn't seem to offer much for writing. last night was really good sitting with family and talking. i LOVE hearing honest thoughts about some one's relationship with God-with Him through scripture especially. i just hate that feeling of we HAVE to read the Bible because we suck if we don't. how about hearing it's another way of getting closer to His heart beat, His story, our story, and so much more. but i think a lot of that pressure comes from myself. i just need to be quiet for a few minutes and let those thoughts be stopped by His tenderness. my favorite thing to do is sit with good coffee and my Bible and my journal and just spend time. with Him. the Author.

one of the larger reasons for leaving was because my other major relationship wasn't celebrated and was almost rejected. only a few said congrats or good job. hm. why is that? my heart aches for people who may miss out on the joy that i experience every day. God is my Captain. He directs this ship and so directs my love life. and to think i could have missed out on this because of a preference. on me banking on people instead of Christ. where else would something so amazing and wonderful and joyous come from? when everything is good, does that come from me? i don't hesitate to say no. only Him. so why is that so bad?

break

the next several days are mine to exhaust and be free. so i am going to try to write every day and see if i can wake up again.

yesterday was everything-frustrating, great, full, yet empty, and emotional. i am to the breaking point with my job. it's one of those things where i should stay to even out the ratio of good versus evil-and i mean that in every way. or i should leave because i am thinking i am worn down and tired. there are people i work with who shouldn't be working with kids. and no one seems to think much of it, and i've tried to communicate it, no one listens. makes me think i want to be the boss. ha.

just seem to be at a place of limbo. No church. which sucks-i never thought i would be here. and i didn't expect this from people. maybe it's just all my fault. maybe everything was just a stage and we were playing our parts. i want to think more and better of people. no one has called or texted or written. i am sure the questions have been asked to others. where are they? what's going on? are they coming back? is it because she has a boyfriend? are they planning on getting married? ask me, please. i dare you.

love

there are days when I wake up thinking there is nothing special about this day. what could i possibly make of it? i am instantly unimpressed. and i think it's because i am thinking of myself and how i could change it. yes, i have a part. but i am not looking to God to make the day. i am frustrated because i am looking to others and myself, how we have failed. knowing there will be more failures in the day to come. i have been doing this a lot lately. but today i see love for the first time in a long time. i have been given a gift, a direct shot to love someone i actually am enthralled with. and i have been given roommates to practice on. so why don't I?? because i judge. i hold on to the sins of others, hold it against them. i see them stifling life, freedom, and love. i do what they do. love is a choice. i know this. but not well enough.

i need to stop judging.

i need to love.

why?

because that, I think, is what real freedom is.

our enemy doesn't win when we choose to love.

our Creator is loved when we love, glorified, brought in to the faces and lives and hearts of others.

listen to switchfoot often.

Life has been somewhat like a movie. I feel somewhat out of control. Like I don't like all of my life and it's in my control, but I still wait for it to be fixed. But I am waiting on me and I pretend like the waiting is for someone or something else. Or like I don't know what the fixing would look like. I like comfort too much. These are times when comfort is not the best option but I try so hard to have it. I should just let go and let God work in the midst of hardship. Embrace grace and forgiveness. They are beautiful. I should act like the grown-up I know know is in me somewhere.

I want the ocean. The smell of it. The sound.

I want a good concert.

I want to see a really good painting, not one that is simply famous.

I want Jesus.

I want His warmth.

I want His beauty.

To be His.

This time is sweet with bits of frustration. If the frustration outweighed the sweet then this wouldn't be worth going through. I trust that this is a fire of refinement and even beauty. It's good to see character strengths, to see just how good I have it. Even when things are frustrating my heart is still melting. I am feeling spoiled. But I don't think God spoils us, just loves us better than anyone ever could.