um

listening to music that i want to listen to. more on the lines of doing what i want, not what someone thinks i should.

i'm thinking more and more that i am a nonconformist. i think that's the way my brain is wired. but there are times when i think that is not so good. like just not conforming to be different, not doing what is right for me. i think community is good, connection is good, but that doesn't mean i have to be like them in order to have these things. and i don't think i'm that extreme. i don't want the run of the mill life. i don't want mounds of cash underneath the bed and i don't want to be well-versed in the ways of the world in a sense of trends or gossip. like right now, i'm somewhat making myself listen to josh groban. i think in the back of my mind i wasn't listening to his music because it's not my age or hip. it's beautiful music and the truth is i really like it. i made myself buy three of his discs. i am happy. but i will not be a grobanite. that scares me.

i've been thinking of people my age, people i graduated from high school with. there are people i see working at mcd's, working 6-digit-income-jobs, people who make you wonder if they ever graduated. i don't want to get my career going because i want the 5-6 figure job. i want to be ALIVE. Passionate. Loving. Not looking at my peers and thinking i could be there. i just wonder if they are really happy. are they mounded in debt? did they do what they did because mom and dad pressured them?

i want to be free.

i think that's the basics of my mumblings.

Thoughts and Certainty

Christmas season makes me think of a move and a break up. When I first was thinking of time spent this time last year, I was almost nostalgic. But now I am reminded of why there was another move and a break up. The annoyances and frustrations and hurts are stirred a little bit-the parts that aren't quite put to rest, maybe things that shouldn't be put to rest completely. I need to be reminded there is a healthy level of pride, pride that doesn't allow you to be pushed to the back burner, swept aside to let career and church make their sneaky presence dominant. God is good and He made marriage good, so I think times and things surrounding marriage should be well attended to-and not only when you feel like it or feel "safe" enough to let it in. I want to be passionate about marriage today, yesterday, and tomorrow-in all stages of a relationship. I want to be obedient to talk about it and discover it and be on purpose. I want to respect it enough to back out of a relationship that doesn't hold marriage as a passion. Somehow marriage got a hold of this paragraph.

I wanted to point out that I'm feeling glad about ending something when it seems to be taunting me with what could have been. I am remembering clearly the why of the death and feeling relief and almost gladness. This taunting will not let doubt win. Good wins. Rightness wins. I do what I want now, not what someone thinks I should be doing. Because I think wants still connect us with God's wants.

Christmas is good again. At least on the commercialism side.

i really don't like malls.

write it down

so this is my official, other-than-journal, out there post.

times right now seem to be difficult in terms of dissatisfaction with my life. and i think it's most difficult, ego coming out or not, because the things in life that are difficult are a direct result of me and my doings. so yes, things suck right now because of me! oh how many times i've tried to pin all my baggage on other people. can't blame the parents for everything.

i have my list of dreams to try to accomplish, so why not a direct and honest list of faults that i want OUT of my life.

~i'm not looking very dusty right now as a proclaimed Jesus person. i would like to be filthy.
~i have gained ten pounds since coming home to iowa, this does NOT make one happy. not to sound ego-headed, but i've never had a belly-and now i do!
~i am a very selfish person, not keeping up with my family and friends. i need to talk to my dad and just about every other person i consider myself to LOVE
~been home for about ten months now, enough time to get back on my feet and ready to be living without the assistance of my parents. so, i need to move out again. very soon.
~i need to spend time with the Abba outside, being in the midst of His brush strokes and finger prints.
~i need to stop spending my down-time in front of the tele-go outside, read, dance, write letters

it seems i've given myself plenty of time to get back on my feet, no more blaming this on a good and bad break-up. it's time to start running.

that should be enough for now.

ocean and surfing and water

I was one of those kids who lived at the pool in the summer. Then my folks went their separate ways and the pool days ceased. You see I was able to ride my bike there with my friends almost every day-I lost both bike and friends. One thing my folks were good at when I was younger was taking me with them on their travels. My first introduction to the ocean was Hawaii, not prime in my opinion, but still very beautiful and intoxicating. I remember the way it smells and feels-especially after getting a fresh sunburn. Being in the ocean was all I wanted to do when I was in Hawaii.

Then there came the Camen Islands-my favorite. Yes, above Hawaii. I don't know what it was, if it was the color and the calmness or the fact that I got the guts to go further out snorkeling than I did in Hawaii. Again I was sunburned, so badly that I had to take a day off from being outside because I got sick from it. My face swelled so much I couldn't open my eyes all the way.

So now I am pretty much tortured. I haven't seen the ocean for about thirteen years, my fascination has grown immensely. And now. . . I'm in love with surfing without having ever been.

that's all for now

Walls and Grace

Jesus people.

Sometimes I get a little annoyed with the word Christian because I think it's overused and not always a great or best descriptive word. We've made it up to mean so many different things. I call myself a Christian to conform I guess, but I much rather love the Jesus person or Jesus Follower title. Because that's what it boils down to.

As Christians, in our youthful beginnings, I think we're all taught incorrectly that we need to follow a list of rules in order for God to see us as acceptable. I think that bad wiring we start out with leads us to condemnation of our brothers and sisters. And mostly, at least for me, condemnation of ourselves. We sort of get into a panic when we haven't read our Bibles for a day or week. Sometimes I come to God and all it seems I thank Him for is His grace. There is nothing wrong with that. I take that on now. Grace is grace is grace. And that's where I need to sit-in His grace, really I already do. We all do. I know we have an enemy that wants us to forget that grace; wants us to throw our punches at each other for not calling ourselves Christians, or even for not wearing the right ensemble to church. And we better have that fish on the backs of our cars. Or you know what. . .

We build these massive walls between our brothers and sisters and the outside world, the nonbelievers. There are so many times when I hear the Gospel told to people and I want to run and hide with the "sinners". Or I want to tell these "Painful" messengers to talk of Love and Grace, not come at people with the dagger and scarlet letters. We need to tell people this beatiful Story that is happening and they are missing out on. We need to tell them they are LOVED and wanted and adored no matter what they've done. Because really it's not even about what they've done! Yes we need a bridge to our Father because of the fall, but we need to say hey, look at my scars and look what He's done! Words are so small when it comes to this, but it's what we have. Love is a movement. There is no Love in condemnation.

more signs of growing up?

Aspects of the internet are starting to bother me. The internet is starting to bug me. Mostly though I've come to realize how selfish of a thing it is-egocentric, idolizing, etc. Right now pictures are bothering me. Yes, pictures. but of people. caps aren't all coming out. oh well. recently i went to a site for a band(not the official site) and there were loads of pictures of them. and of coarse there were a lot of the lead singer. i looked, but then it started to feel awkward. stalkerish? worshipish? idolish? what are you supposed to do with these pics? look quickly? stare? maybe i care too much. i love the internet for this reason, i love to read what people are thinking of or/and want to get other people to think about. it challenges me to bother writing about something more meaningful.

haven't been here for a while. went to SD for a weekend with a friend. this friend to me has changed, i have seen her in a different light than i did before a simple trip with her. black hills are BEAUTIFUL. i see these trees differently than the iowa and north carolina trees. they are more massive than nc, sacred land, and majestic. God's glory and paint brush. 

on another note, my old boyfriend-not calling him ex, that sounds so harsh-was held at gun-point on Sunday night. the sickos took his car, money, phone, and other things. when i first read it i was so shocked, frozen. but almost instantly i felt peace. knowing God's hand was there and that His spirit was in me keeping check. this isn't a means to make me feel sorry for the break-up or moving back home. that still feels right. whether or not that feels right to my mom, i need to not care about anymore. it's difficult to picture A going through that, to see a gun in his face, see him getting hit with it. God was there, is there. Evil does not win. in any case.

so serious

are my entries. no one reads them but me, so no bother. and that's how i wish it to be.

winter is my favorite season
fall gives way
and i do not say winter is my favorite
because i cannot handle the summer

today i learned that i share a birthday with beatrix potter
that was a great discovery to me
i love her
i wonder if my life would be like hers if i lived in her time
so quiet am i
so silly as well
dreamer
writer and drawer
so old and not married
tisk

willing to travel

pick your poison

my tori amos songs aren't working on my player. so sad.

anyway.

for the past year or so i would say i haven't REALLY attended church. i've gone, but have not been involved or felt at home or like i even liked church. which in a way has been good because i think it's forced me to really think about and study what church is. still studying and am inconclusive-probably will be maybe until forever. what's been nagging me is the way thought patterns go, we get stuck on which sins are worse than the other. or even which person is more monstrous because of a certain sin they have committed. we pick and choose which instructions we do or do not follow. and we condemn those who pick and choose differently from us. and the ones we do not follow aren't even mentioned, maybe they won't exist if we don't say a word. i am here, lumped into the we. i am a great impostor as well. i do not cover me head when i pray. i wear men's clothing. i cuss in my head and sometimes out loud-cussing i think is the most sly of addictions. i get angry instead of responding in love. and i could go on. all of this goes to show me just how deceptive our enemy is. sin goes far beyond what we know. it caves inward and gets us to grab a hold of it and swing it in our loved one's faces. saying here, look at what you've done. but look at what i've done, it's not as bad as you. then we separate ourselves from the very ones we need.

as far as i can tell, and that is sarcastic-toned, we are to be like our Father and His Son. and that is an honor in itself and SO crazy to think about. He is the one who knows the heart. i love to read that and that He didn't send His Son to condemn but to save. i wish this was reflected much more in our conversations-about and with people.

so my peeve is that we don't follow all directions, we get angry at others for doing exactly what we do-sin, and we are flawed humans. ha.

inconclusive.

internet

the internet is mosting annoying to me right now. just having to do it and keep up with stuff. email. pages. whatever.

love

i love love. love in the romance sense. i don't have it right now, i don't see it coming any time soon-but really is there any other way to see it? other than actually having it and seeing it. i am thankful for this time of learning about it from the great Romancer. and i love to hear other people speak or write of their love for their spouse and it's REAL love. i love to hear a man say he is thankful for his wife or that he loves his wife. maybe because i never heard my dad tell my mom he loved her. i'll never hear that.

it feels good to say that i want to fight for love. to make that proclamation. to make an oath to a man i may not even know. it will be tough, but i will fight. make a list of the ways i want to show my husband that i love him. i think dancing and holding hands will be ultra important. and i know from personal, first-hand experience that when you know you love someone you need to say it. it's one thing to know someone loves you but to say and hear it is oh so important. even if you think you know it, there is still that unknowing air about not having those words touch your ears. love has many facets and i think you can't exhaust them, but i think everyone needs to try.

battle

with summer and spring comes new life. green emerges in the most beautiful painting that wows my eyes and heart in ways that nothing else can. and of course, little creatures are out and about discovering this creation they have been born in to. this spring was especially exciting because the neighbor's tree held a little family of raccoons in it's hallow for about a month. we got to watch as a family of SEVEN outgrew it's little perch. seven being one mother and six babies. crazy. she is blessed! the night they moved out was filled with terror as one of the little ones fell off a branch. immediately the mother was yelling for her loved one as it was yelling back. she ran down the roof of the house and emerged from the other side. she found her baby unhurt and ready to be back with mom. meanwhile the whole family was chattering to each other, i'm sure keeping tabs on what was going on down on the ground. each day was a new blessing as i got to watch them, wondering what was happening, how big the babies were getting, and seeing if they were all there and ok. and you can imagine the surprise of finding that there were three times as many babies as originally thought.

move ahead about a month. i am driving on the main highway leading out of our little town. a few miles up i notice there are three dead raccoons on both sides of the road-one mom and two little ones. i got to thinking what it must have been like for them. because they weren't all hit at once, they were spread out from one another. i imagined that one got hit and the others were frantic, panicked not knowing what to do, tending to the one who was hit. and so their story went until their end. i remember the mom whose little one fell from the branch, even an animal has that sense of desperation and rush when something horrific happens.

move to yesterday, about two weeks since the highway trip. a squirrel was hit but not killed just in front of the house. he was dazed and hurt pretty badly. he just stayed in the middle of the road where he was injured. meanwhile people are driving around him trying not to hit him, or they are slowing down and taking a look to see if this is really what they see. i left him there thinking someone would eventually put him out of his misery, but no, the same thing kept happening. people would slow, gawk, drive around-meanwhile the poor thing is flattening himself down in terror from being driven over by massive trucks and school buses. eventually i can't take it, he is being tortured. so i get a towel, pick him up, and put him in the yard. i go in and call the humane society, they can't do anything, he's a wild animal. they say they'll call someone who may come pick him up. but NO. he stays there for four hours, alive. agonizing pain. he is whimpering. i don't know what to do. he eventually gives up his fight. he is buried in the back yard.

all of this makes me sick. the battle in this world isn't just with and against humans, it's with animals and trees and the ocean. our enemy is working very hard to deface God's beauty and majesty. trying to destroy and maim what he did not create. his wrath and anger are hard at work-he is not resting. just as we should not be resting. animals are God's just as we are. they are crafted in mystery and splendor. we cannot know them, we cannot know ourselves. but we can be in awe of the One who wants us, who is fighting for our hearts and lives. it is more than an honor to take up the sword and fight for good and His light. this is a battle i am willing to choose and die for. His Kingdom and glory. His splendor, His life-not mine. these are the scars, bruises, shed blood that i am not ashamed of.

dads

i would for sure consider myself to be a sensitive person. but i would also consider myself to be a person with a lot of guts. so here goes the two together. my dad. i don't understand this person. i think i would consider him to be a dead-beat dad. i used to think it was, and still somewhat do, because of losing my brother. but he was this way before my brother even came along. my sister has two kids, they've never met my dad. he is a grandfather. maybe you could take grand out. am i sounding too harsh?? or just honest?? don't care, it's what i think, i think it's real. my dad never calls me. i never call him. he doesn't email, send cards, didn't help out with school tuition. this is the same way with my sister, but she's had a much more terrible go of it than I.

he has a MUCH better relationship with a girl who was our neighbor in WDM. they talk all the time on the phone. email, send cards, etc. come to think of it, i think it's always been somewhat like this. I remember getting jealous of kids who would play with my dad over playing with me. they'd come over to the house and he would chase them around, be goofy with them-whatever went along with that. meanwhile I remember playing outside by myself or just going somewhere to be by myself, because i got lost in the shuffle.

i've never felt wanted by my father. never felt like what i was doing was ever approved or thought of as worthy. have felt for a long time now that his love for me is/was so conditional. and to think of my sister. oh my gosh. how can he do something like this?? he married my mother. he made the choice, knowing that with marriage comes the stereotypical, cliche growing of a family-and that INCLUDES THE FATHER!!!!!!! most of the time after the divorce, i felt like my dad was spending time with me because it was his legal right and he wanted to spite my mother. why do dads SUCK SO FREAKING MUCH?? and i know i can't live with that thought. i know there are dads out there who are awesome. i want a husband like that and if he's not, then he'd better watch out.

guts/sensitive---what is keeping me from pushing through this like a mad woman? i know we are to forgive like we've been forgiven. take on that grace as a new face, heart, drive, passion, and life. let those scars be our motivation, say, look what He brought me through, see how He showed His love and grace and made me strong. what sucks the most about to sin to me, other than breaking the True Father's heart, is how our sin can affect others so much and make their lives hell. i've been hurt by my father many times. so many that they've all just molded together and painted this portrait of a stranger. a stranger i don't want to get to know. someone i know who will hurt me again and again. but at the same time, i know i can take it. i just need to make that move. make the great stride and start an actual relationship with my dad. even if it is major malfunction. even if i end up with more bruises than i ever had in the first place. i need to plant my face at my Father's feet asking once more for strength, mercy, passionate love, and determination to really fight through it. i'm only 25-almost 26. he's almost 60, he's a man, he can take it. tomorrow will always be tomorrow-never guaranteeing itself. today we know is here, it is sure and true.

Father, make me move.

best friends' weddings

there is only one friend, GOOD friend, of mine left to get married. i'm not a person with loads of friends, i haven't been that way since grade school. is grade school, grade-school?? but you would think that i have come to an understanding or a getting-used-to kind of understanding of handling married friends. and none of my friends married people that we knew from home. but one thing they do have in common is a time of disappearing. which i think is understandable, i think i would do the same thing.

and

one of those married people just called me. . .hhmmm.

anway.

what?!

NEW KENSINGTON: Don't do it out of anger. Don't swing too hard and always hug your child when you're done — when you're done spanking him or her using a wooden paddle signed, "Love Joey."

Yeah, I HATE this quote. It makes me sick. I have to admit I couldn't finish reading it when I first saw this quote. Then I read it later and laughed, not at the subject, but this guy. The whole article is full of quotes. All about "corporal punishment" for children. He gives "advice" on how to handle this form of discipline, at one point even suggesting an appointment slip as to when the spanking would take place. Oh, and, he's making these paddles and selling them on the internet. BLAH!! I know, spare the rod and spoil the child. But are we even sure this is what the Bible is meaning? Is rod really discipline?? I was spanked when I was little, only a few times, but I still did what I wanted eventually. I just got really good at hiding and lying to my parents.

This is funny, this whole thing, I'm blogging to myself like I would be talking to myself.

Anyway.

celebrities and dreams

one thing that bothers me, has been annoying me, is seeing all these celebrities advertising charities or global causes. for some reason it really hit me today, it just struck me as frustrating. like maybe they should be quiet about it, but at the same time what else would you want to use your celebritism for?? i know there are a lot of them who work behind the scenes, with no credit, and that's cool. but i just get so tired of seeing these primped out movie stars among children who need medicine and food, not their pictures to be taken for some magazine they will never read. maybe i am frustrated because i have no money to give, or haven't myself been to these places of desperation. i know what it's like to live without money, but not without food or proper shelter and clothing, and or even medicine. i'll restate, what else would you really want to do with your fame?? be famous for getting drunk in front of flashing cameras, or helping the poverished in front of a journalist's camera? i do think Love comes with action. we are called to Love like we are Loved. that's what means anything. not typing behind a computer. haha, look at me!

for the past few nights i've been kept awake by dreams. i am a HUGE dreamer. i am constantly adding to my list of to dos before i turn 30, 40, and so on. teaching has slow-danced its way into my head over the past couple months. a beautiful and difficult dance because i was already dancing with another. but now it's in my heart. it's exciting because i have no idea how God is going to do it. i am not big in the bank department. night classes where?? going BACK to school?? school is always something i've been eager to get away from, and now i can't wait. and this is where this whole blog ties together. being the single gal that i am, a huge chunk of this dream is spending summers teaching in Africa, Asia, even Australia. or maybe. . .

for what it's worth

In thinking of royalty(I just watched the Queen and William turned my age today)I've been thinking about what I would do if I was in that position. Having, what we may think to be, the world at our fingertips. In all reality, we already do. We have a choice to make life everything we could dream it to be. God being the Maker, Giver, and Taker of dreams, knows what to do with them, when to take them away, and He gives us the means to make dreams alive, lived out. I love interior design, art, architecture, and creating. But I love the other kind of interior design more. And what I think I trully love the most is the interior design of others, especially children and people who are in desperate need of redemption and grace. Aren't we all??

This life needs to be something more than TV and leisure. Yes, I want to learn to surf, I want to see Paris at night. I want to see castles and dance with my future husband in the rain of Spain. I think these are important too. But if my life isn't lived out for Love, than I don't want to live. I want someone else to come along and take up this space. In a sense, that's what I want anyway. I want to fight and go out in flames.

ocean

i wan the ocean so badly right now. water helps, but the ocean is in me some where. my eyes, my skin, my tongue, and my nose remember it so well. that's one thing i miss about hawaii-the way it smells.

surfing. i'm going to do it soon. this is my promise

God is the Creator of the ocean and surfing.

peta

Yesterday as I was walking, I was thinking to myself about animal rights. I was thinking about how much effort I put into loving animals. Not eating them, not buying products tested on them, being respectful of their being created by the Creator. Then I was thinking to myself about human rights. I thought more about the items of clothing I buy, how they get to me, how they are made, and what I pay for them. And then my thoughts hit me like a stone, I pay more attention and devotion to animal rights than I do to human rights. With this intense wave of environmental issues hitting us like a mad storm, I think we need to hit the issues of taking care of humans much harder. Because really that's where it all starts. We take care of humans then that leads us to taking care of animals and the environment. And, I am a bit critical of the environment issues, I really don't think we have it all figured out yet. Science to me is a guessing game, or even a great novel or how-to book. Just write it up and that somehow makes it true.

We are all crazy.

unraveling

First this was going to go out to someone, but I think I just need to write to get this off my chest. I think it's ok though, because I wrote this in my journal but I feel I need to still write it out. I don't know if I could write it any new way and feel I've out-written it. Or maybe it's something that will stick with me for a while. And that would be good.

Here we go. I recently read on another's posting that one should just be themselves because it makes sense, it's good, it's who we are made to be. Not exactly written like that. Lately I've been seeing more and more just how much of myself I pushed aside, washing my brain to think that I was wrong or should be on my way to being a different person. Someone who trusts God more. Someone who could have great patience. After all, patience can be an action and not really what's going on inside and that would be ok. This person I was trying so hard to please never really told me in any way, until three years too late, that he cared for me. Today without even intentionally thinking about, I thought. There was a moment when I was having that conversation in my head. Talking to someone who knew me intimately. I ran down a list of things I gave up to be with this person who always put me last, made me feel like I was always wrong. Everything from my career to my hair was because of him. I dreamed for such a long time to be a designer. I went to school, ENJOYED school!! Put two years of it on hold. Something that makes me happy and alive. Something I pursued. And now. I don't know if it's too late. But I can't think like that.

And that's the other big thought. This whole world is open to me. It should be exciting. It is. It may sound cheesy, but I have to get me going again. Not the sense of, it's all about me. blah blah blah. I just need to hear and belive that I am on purpose. I want to burn out bright and that means I need to live out this passion called life. And I can't let someone direct that for me. There is only One who can do that. Choices are to be made. I want to hear His voice. Not the one telling me I am weak and frail and fat and ugly, no one wants me. That's not true.

So
i'm going to cut my hair
like the boys with tattoos
sing out loud
dance dance and dance
be goofy
cry when i need to
become that ballerina
design houses that would make Frank cry
love like it's my only source of fresh air
be the dustiest disciple you've ever seen
and be more of me that i need to be
and not be afraid of that, like it's wrong, like i've become egocentic.

because, i've been killing myself for too long now.