i love love. love in the romance sense. i don't have it right now, i don't see it coming any time soon-but really is there any other way to see it? other than actually having it and seeing it. i am thankful for this time of learning about it from the great Romancer. and i love to hear other people speak or write of their love for their spouse and it's REAL love. i love to hear a man say he is thankful for his wife or that he loves his wife. maybe because i never heard my dad tell my mom he loved her. i'll never hear that.
it feels good to say that i want to fight for love. to make that proclamation. to make an oath to a man i may not even know. it will be tough, but i will fight. make a list of the ways i want to show my husband that i love him. i think dancing and holding hands will be ultra important. and i know from personal, first-hand experience that when you know you love someone you need to say it. it's one thing to know someone loves you but to say and hear it is oh so important. even if you think you know it, there is still that unknowing air about not having those words touch your ears. love has many facets and i think you can't exhaust them, but i think everyone needs to try.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
battle
with summer and spring comes new life. green emerges in the most beautiful painting that wows my eyes and heart in ways that nothing else can. and of course, little creatures are out and about discovering this creation they have been born in to. this spring was especially exciting because the neighbor's tree held a little family of raccoons in it's hallow for about a month. we got to watch as a family of SEVEN outgrew it's little perch. seven being one mother and six babies. crazy. she is blessed! the night they moved out was filled with terror as one of the little ones fell off a branch. immediately the mother was yelling for her loved one as it was yelling back. she ran down the roof of the house and emerged from the other side. she found her baby unhurt and ready to be back with mom. meanwhile the whole family was chattering to each other, i'm sure keeping tabs on what was going on down on the ground. each day was a new blessing as i got to watch them, wondering what was happening, how big the babies were getting, and seeing if they were all there and ok. and you can imagine the surprise of finding that there were three times as many babies as originally thought.
move ahead about a month. i am driving on the main highway leading out of our little town. a few miles up i notice there are three dead raccoons on both sides of the road-one mom and two little ones. i got to thinking what it must have been like for them. because they weren't all hit at once, they were spread out from one another. i imagined that one got hit and the others were frantic, panicked not knowing what to do, tending to the one who was hit. and so their story went until their end. i remember the mom whose little one fell from the branch, even an animal has that sense of desperation and rush when something horrific happens.
move to yesterday, about two weeks since the highway trip. a squirrel was hit but not killed just in front of the house. he was dazed and hurt pretty badly. he just stayed in the middle of the road where he was injured. meanwhile people are driving around him trying not to hit him, or they are slowing down and taking a look to see if this is really what they see. i left him there thinking someone would eventually put him out of his misery, but no, the same thing kept happening. people would slow, gawk, drive around-meanwhile the poor thing is flattening himself down in terror from being driven over by massive trucks and school buses. eventually i can't take it, he is being tortured. so i get a towel, pick him up, and put him in the yard. i go in and call the humane society, they can't do anything, he's a wild animal. they say they'll call someone who may come pick him up. but NO. he stays there for four hours, alive. agonizing pain. he is whimpering. i don't know what to do. he eventually gives up his fight. he is buried in the back yard.
all of this makes me sick. the battle in this world isn't just with and against humans, it's with animals and trees and the ocean. our enemy is working very hard to deface God's beauty and majesty. trying to destroy and maim what he did not create. his wrath and anger are hard at work-he is not resting. just as we should not be resting. animals are God's just as we are. they are crafted in mystery and splendor. we cannot know them, we cannot know ourselves. but we can be in awe of the One who wants us, who is fighting for our hearts and lives. it is more than an honor to take up the sword and fight for good and His light. this is a battle i am willing to choose and die for. His Kingdom and glory. His splendor, His life-not mine. these are the scars, bruises, shed blood that i am not ashamed of.
move ahead about a month. i am driving on the main highway leading out of our little town. a few miles up i notice there are three dead raccoons on both sides of the road-one mom and two little ones. i got to thinking what it must have been like for them. because they weren't all hit at once, they were spread out from one another. i imagined that one got hit and the others were frantic, panicked not knowing what to do, tending to the one who was hit. and so their story went until their end. i remember the mom whose little one fell from the branch, even an animal has that sense of desperation and rush when something horrific happens.
move to yesterday, about two weeks since the highway trip. a squirrel was hit but not killed just in front of the house. he was dazed and hurt pretty badly. he just stayed in the middle of the road where he was injured. meanwhile people are driving around him trying not to hit him, or they are slowing down and taking a look to see if this is really what they see. i left him there thinking someone would eventually put him out of his misery, but no, the same thing kept happening. people would slow, gawk, drive around-meanwhile the poor thing is flattening himself down in terror from being driven over by massive trucks and school buses. eventually i can't take it, he is being tortured. so i get a towel, pick him up, and put him in the yard. i go in and call the humane society, they can't do anything, he's a wild animal. they say they'll call someone who may come pick him up. but NO. he stays there for four hours, alive. agonizing pain. he is whimpering. i don't know what to do. he eventually gives up his fight. he is buried in the back yard.
all of this makes me sick. the battle in this world isn't just with and against humans, it's with animals and trees and the ocean. our enemy is working very hard to deface God's beauty and majesty. trying to destroy and maim what he did not create. his wrath and anger are hard at work-he is not resting. just as we should not be resting. animals are God's just as we are. they are crafted in mystery and splendor. we cannot know them, we cannot know ourselves. but we can be in awe of the One who wants us, who is fighting for our hearts and lives. it is more than an honor to take up the sword and fight for good and His light. this is a battle i am willing to choose and die for. His Kingdom and glory. His splendor, His life-not mine. these are the scars, bruises, shed blood that i am not ashamed of.
Friday, July 13, 2007
dads
i would for sure consider myself to be a sensitive person. but i would also consider myself to be a person with a lot of guts. so here goes the two together. my dad. i don't understand this person. i think i would consider him to be a dead-beat dad. i used to think it was, and still somewhat do, because of losing my brother. but he was this way before my brother even came along. my sister has two kids, they've never met my dad. he is a grandfather. maybe you could take grand out. am i sounding too harsh?? or just honest?? don't care, it's what i think, i think it's real. my dad never calls me. i never call him. he doesn't email, send cards, didn't help out with school tuition. this is the same way with my sister, but she's had a much more terrible go of it than I.
he has a MUCH better relationship with a girl who was our neighbor in WDM. they talk all the time on the phone. email, send cards, etc. come to think of it, i think it's always been somewhat like this. I remember getting jealous of kids who would play with my dad over playing with me. they'd come over to the house and he would chase them around, be goofy with them-whatever went along with that. meanwhile I remember playing outside by myself or just going somewhere to be by myself, because i got lost in the shuffle.
i've never felt wanted by my father. never felt like what i was doing was ever approved or thought of as worthy. have felt for a long time now that his love for me is/was so conditional. and to think of my sister. oh my gosh. how can he do something like this?? he married my mother. he made the choice, knowing that with marriage comes the stereotypical, cliche growing of a family-and that INCLUDES THE FATHER!!!!!!! most of the time after the divorce, i felt like my dad was spending time with me because it was his legal right and he wanted to spite my mother. why do dads SUCK SO FREAKING MUCH?? and i know i can't live with that thought. i know there are dads out there who are awesome. i want a husband like that and if he's not, then he'd better watch out.
guts/sensitive---what is keeping me from pushing through this like a mad woman? i know we are to forgive like we've been forgiven. take on that grace as a new face, heart, drive, passion, and life. let those scars be our motivation, say, look what He brought me through, see how He showed His love and grace and made me strong. what sucks the most about to sin to me, other than breaking the True Father's heart, is how our sin can affect others so much and make their lives hell. i've been hurt by my father many times. so many that they've all just molded together and painted this portrait of a stranger. a stranger i don't want to get to know. someone i know who will hurt me again and again. but at the same time, i know i can take it. i just need to make that move. make the great stride and start an actual relationship with my dad. even if it is major malfunction. even if i end up with more bruises than i ever had in the first place. i need to plant my face at my Father's feet asking once more for strength, mercy, passionate love, and determination to really fight through it. i'm only 25-almost 26. he's almost 60, he's a man, he can take it. tomorrow will always be tomorrow-never guaranteeing itself. today we know is here, it is sure and true.
Father, make me move.
he has a MUCH better relationship with a girl who was our neighbor in WDM. they talk all the time on the phone. email, send cards, etc. come to think of it, i think it's always been somewhat like this. I remember getting jealous of kids who would play with my dad over playing with me. they'd come over to the house and he would chase them around, be goofy with them-whatever went along with that. meanwhile I remember playing outside by myself or just going somewhere to be by myself, because i got lost in the shuffle.
i've never felt wanted by my father. never felt like what i was doing was ever approved or thought of as worthy. have felt for a long time now that his love for me is/was so conditional. and to think of my sister. oh my gosh. how can he do something like this?? he married my mother. he made the choice, knowing that with marriage comes the stereotypical, cliche growing of a family-and that INCLUDES THE FATHER!!!!!!! most of the time after the divorce, i felt like my dad was spending time with me because it was his legal right and he wanted to spite my mother. why do dads SUCK SO FREAKING MUCH?? and i know i can't live with that thought. i know there are dads out there who are awesome. i want a husband like that and if he's not, then he'd better watch out.
guts/sensitive---what is keeping me from pushing through this like a mad woman? i know we are to forgive like we've been forgiven. take on that grace as a new face, heart, drive, passion, and life. let those scars be our motivation, say, look what He brought me through, see how He showed His love and grace and made me strong. what sucks the most about to sin to me, other than breaking the True Father's heart, is how our sin can affect others so much and make their lives hell. i've been hurt by my father many times. so many that they've all just molded together and painted this portrait of a stranger. a stranger i don't want to get to know. someone i know who will hurt me again and again. but at the same time, i know i can take it. i just need to make that move. make the great stride and start an actual relationship with my dad. even if it is major malfunction. even if i end up with more bruises than i ever had in the first place. i need to plant my face at my Father's feet asking once more for strength, mercy, passionate love, and determination to really fight through it. i'm only 25-almost 26. he's almost 60, he's a man, he can take it. tomorrow will always be tomorrow-never guaranteeing itself. today we know is here, it is sure and true.
Father, make me move.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
best friends' weddings
there is only one friend, GOOD friend, of mine left to get married. i'm not a person with loads of friends, i haven't been that way since grade school. is grade school, grade-school?? but you would think that i have come to an understanding or a getting-used-to kind of understanding of handling married friends. and none of my friends married people that we knew from home. but one thing they do have in common is a time of disappearing. which i think is understandable, i think i would do the same thing.
and
one of those married people just called me. . .hhmmm.
anway.
and
one of those married people just called me. . .hhmmm.
anway.
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