searching

my comp is fixed. which may be bad. i don't need to be on here anymore than usual. but i can be on here whenever. and do whatever. so. maybe. whatever.

i feel the aftermath of leaving is wearing off. it seems when i am hurt by others from the church it takes tole and time. seems to knock the wind out of me causing me some downtime that has sway on my relationship with my Creator. which stinks. and also means that its influence doesn't release until i take note. i am hungry for that real relationship with God through people who love without agenda or condition. people who search Him out earnestly and honestly. without putting Him into an equation or box. i have those people now. and i think i will embrace them more now that i have taken note of the tripping. time to move on.

tomorrow i try on wedding dresses. i have never tried on a wedding dress. but this is the right time. the right person. i love this person, i know. and there is no hiding. he is it. the one i said to be careful of exposing. he is mine. in a matter of months. how crazy is that?

today doesn't seem to offer much for writing. last night was really good sitting with family and talking. i LOVE hearing honest thoughts about some one's relationship with God-with Him through scripture especially. i just hate that feeling of we HAVE to read the Bible because we suck if we don't. how about hearing it's another way of getting closer to His heart beat, His story, our story, and so much more. but i think a lot of that pressure comes from myself. i just need to be quiet for a few minutes and let those thoughts be stopped by His tenderness. my favorite thing to do is sit with good coffee and my Bible and my journal and just spend time. with Him. the Author.

one of the larger reasons for leaving was because my other major relationship wasn't celebrated and was almost rejected. only a few said congrats or good job. hm. why is that? my heart aches for people who may miss out on the joy that i experience every day. God is my Captain. He directs this ship and so directs my love life. and to think i could have missed out on this because of a preference. on me banking on people instead of Christ. where else would something so amazing and wonderful and joyous come from? when everything is good, does that come from me? i don't hesitate to say no. only Him. so why is that so bad?

break

the next several days are mine to exhaust and be free. so i am going to try to write every day and see if i can wake up again.

yesterday was everything-frustrating, great, full, yet empty, and emotional. i am to the breaking point with my job. it's one of those things where i should stay to even out the ratio of good versus evil-and i mean that in every way. or i should leave because i am thinking i am worn down and tired. there are people i work with who shouldn't be working with kids. and no one seems to think much of it, and i've tried to communicate it, no one listens. makes me think i want to be the boss. ha.

just seem to be at a place of limbo. No church. which sucks-i never thought i would be here. and i didn't expect this from people. maybe it's just all my fault. maybe everything was just a stage and we were playing our parts. i want to think more and better of people. no one has called or texted or written. i am sure the questions have been asked to others. where are they? what's going on? are they coming back? is it because she has a boyfriend? are they planning on getting married? ask me, please. i dare you.