unraveling

First this was going to go out to someone, but I think I just need to write to get this off my chest. I think it's ok though, because I wrote this in my journal but I feel I need to still write it out. I don't know if I could write it any new way and feel I've out-written it. Or maybe it's something that will stick with me for a while. And that would be good.

Here we go. I recently read on another's posting that one should just be themselves because it makes sense, it's good, it's who we are made to be. Not exactly written like that. Lately I've been seeing more and more just how much of myself I pushed aside, washing my brain to think that I was wrong or should be on my way to being a different person. Someone who trusts God more. Someone who could have great patience. After all, patience can be an action and not really what's going on inside and that would be ok. This person I was trying so hard to please never really told me in any way, until three years too late, that he cared for me. Today without even intentionally thinking about, I thought. There was a moment when I was having that conversation in my head. Talking to someone who knew me intimately. I ran down a list of things I gave up to be with this person who always put me last, made me feel like I was always wrong. Everything from my career to my hair was because of him. I dreamed for such a long time to be a designer. I went to school, ENJOYED school!! Put two years of it on hold. Something that makes me happy and alive. Something I pursued. And now. I don't know if it's too late. But I can't think like that.

And that's the other big thought. This whole world is open to me. It should be exciting. It is. It may sound cheesy, but I have to get me going again. Not the sense of, it's all about me. blah blah blah. I just need to hear and belive that I am on purpose. I want to burn out bright and that means I need to live out this passion called life. And I can't let someone direct that for me. There is only One who can do that. Choices are to be made. I want to hear His voice. Not the one telling me I am weak and frail and fat and ugly, no one wants me. That's not true.

So
i'm going to cut my hair
like the boys with tattoos
sing out loud
dance dance and dance
be goofy
cry when i need to
become that ballerina
design houses that would make Frank cry
love like it's my only source of fresh air
be the dustiest disciple you've ever seen
and be more of me that i need to be
and not be afraid of that, like it's wrong, like i've become egocentic.

because, i've been killing myself for too long now.