dads

i would for sure consider myself to be a sensitive person. but i would also consider myself to be a person with a lot of guts. so here goes the two together. my dad. i don't understand this person. i think i would consider him to be a dead-beat dad. i used to think it was, and still somewhat do, because of losing my brother. but he was this way before my brother even came along. my sister has two kids, they've never met my dad. he is a grandfather. maybe you could take grand out. am i sounding too harsh?? or just honest?? don't care, it's what i think, i think it's real. my dad never calls me. i never call him. he doesn't email, send cards, didn't help out with school tuition. this is the same way with my sister, but she's had a much more terrible go of it than I.

he has a MUCH better relationship with a girl who was our neighbor in WDM. they talk all the time on the phone. email, send cards, etc. come to think of it, i think it's always been somewhat like this. I remember getting jealous of kids who would play with my dad over playing with me. they'd come over to the house and he would chase them around, be goofy with them-whatever went along with that. meanwhile I remember playing outside by myself or just going somewhere to be by myself, because i got lost in the shuffle.

i've never felt wanted by my father. never felt like what i was doing was ever approved or thought of as worthy. have felt for a long time now that his love for me is/was so conditional. and to think of my sister. oh my gosh. how can he do something like this?? he married my mother. he made the choice, knowing that with marriage comes the stereotypical, cliche growing of a family-and that INCLUDES THE FATHER!!!!!!! most of the time after the divorce, i felt like my dad was spending time with me because it was his legal right and he wanted to spite my mother. why do dads SUCK SO FREAKING MUCH?? and i know i can't live with that thought. i know there are dads out there who are awesome. i want a husband like that and if he's not, then he'd better watch out.

guts/sensitive---what is keeping me from pushing through this like a mad woman? i know we are to forgive like we've been forgiven. take on that grace as a new face, heart, drive, passion, and life. let those scars be our motivation, say, look what He brought me through, see how He showed His love and grace and made me strong. what sucks the most about to sin to me, other than breaking the True Father's heart, is how our sin can affect others so much and make their lives hell. i've been hurt by my father many times. so many that they've all just molded together and painted this portrait of a stranger. a stranger i don't want to get to know. someone i know who will hurt me again and again. but at the same time, i know i can take it. i just need to make that move. make the great stride and start an actual relationship with my dad. even if it is major malfunction. even if i end up with more bruises than i ever had in the first place. i need to plant my face at my Father's feet asking once more for strength, mercy, passionate love, and determination to really fight through it. i'm only 25-almost 26. he's almost 60, he's a man, he can take it. tomorrow will always be tomorrow-never guaranteeing itself. today we know is here, it is sure and true.

Father, make me move.