um

listening to music that i want to listen to. more on the lines of doing what i want, not what someone thinks i should.

i'm thinking more and more that i am a nonconformist. i think that's the way my brain is wired. but there are times when i think that is not so good. like just not conforming to be different, not doing what is right for me. i think community is good, connection is good, but that doesn't mean i have to be like them in order to have these things. and i don't think i'm that extreme. i don't want the run of the mill life. i don't want mounds of cash underneath the bed and i don't want to be well-versed in the ways of the world in a sense of trends or gossip. like right now, i'm somewhat making myself listen to josh groban. i think in the back of my mind i wasn't listening to his music because it's not my age or hip. it's beautiful music and the truth is i really like it. i made myself buy three of his discs. i am happy. but i will not be a grobanite. that scares me.

i've been thinking of people my age, people i graduated from high school with. there are people i see working at mcd's, working 6-digit-income-jobs, people who make you wonder if they ever graduated. i don't want to get my career going because i want the 5-6 figure job. i want to be ALIVE. Passionate. Loving. Not looking at my peers and thinking i could be there. i just wonder if they are really happy. are they mounded in debt? did they do what they did because mom and dad pressured them?

i want to be free.

i think that's the basics of my mumblings.