What to do with what's in my head. I currently can't sleep, and I know when I can't sleep it's a big deal. It's frustrating not to have someone around who I can share all this with. Meaning I can't share this because it's not safe for certain people to hear. I have my Creator and I've prayed until I have no words or I just need to write it out again. Long sentence. I'm tired of being angry with myself. Tired of speaking in code for fear that someone may hear. There is one person I can talk to and she's my mother, but I don't know if that counts. She's biased. And I love that. Difficult. Right now.
It's crazy to ask for a loving heart when all I want this person to do is go away. Or I want to make things into a competition. But I REALLY don't want a competition, I want to win. Oh, and did I mention this person has NO idea of this situation? Which is best. Really, I would much rather just have that heart that trusts and is quick to hope. I don't want the pride living in me that just wants things to go my way. The pride that doesn't let me see that what's best is what God wants. I really don't want things to be any other way. What hurts is when things have to die-die in me and actual situations.
What I am most thankful for though is that we are not robots. God doesn't push a button and I'm fixed. There is a process and time of learning. A time of death and new life. And I want that new life and if I'm honest I want the death if it's what's best-right. All He does is good and I can put my everything into that.
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